It's that time of year again, when the networks of the world fill the airwaves with special programs dedicated to the holiday season! As a service to YOU, our readers, I am pleased to provide this guide to this year's best holiday programming!
Biography – The popular A & E series contrasts the lives of two Christmas icons: Santa Claus, whose congeniality and charm led to his meteoric rise to fame and stardom, and Jesus, whose failure to come to terms with the demands of everyday life led Him into a life of poverty and crime.
The Christmas Life – Following up on her new show, "The Simple Life," in which she and fellow clueless socialite Nicole Richie show how out of place they are on a farm, Paris Hilton stars as the Virgin Mary.
Queer Eye for the Straight Santa – Buckles and boots and now – a leather suit! And if he's driving reindeer he has to have a whip, doesn't he?
The Queen's Christmas message – The Queen adds a new dimension to her traditional broadcast by raffling off Prince Charles.
A Late Show with David Letterman Christmas – "It was so Christmassy today that as I was walking across Central Park I saw a squirrel under the mistletoe kissing his nuts." [Paul Shafer: Haaaaaa!]
Fox News Christmas Special – Santa Claus is exposed as a dangerous socialist, filling children's impressionable minds with the insane notion that good things come to the virtuous rather than to the owners of transnational media empires and the people who do their bidding.
Ken Burns' Tinsel – According to PBS' advance publicity, this 48-part series will show how tinsel represents America and its belief that even the most ordinary citizen has the same chance to shine as everyone else. We'll get back to the description of the show right after this pledge break.
The Sopranos Christmas Special – So how come no one ever thought of knocking over that fat bastard Santa before? I mean, he'll bring the loot to your freaking house! Without thinking twice about it! And the only people guarding his bag are freaking elves!
The Maury Povich Christmas Special – Maury asks God and Jesus to take DNA tests to find out if They really are father and son.
A Hockey Night in Canada White Christmas – The show with the whitest cast on television produces the whitest Christmas special on television! Highlight is a salute to cocoa. Don Cherry hectors Santa about his drab clothes.
A Train 48 Christmas – Train 48 drives over a cliff and every character is killed. Trust me, Global – this would work.
A Dr. Phil Christmas – The good doctor grills Joseph about whether he really believes that story of Mary's about Jesus' paternity.
And of course, from the CBC:
Happy Holidays from Sussex Drive! – Canada's new prime minister celebrates the festive season with some of the close friends he has recently defended so vigorously. The show celebrates the simple gestures of friendship which are so important at the holidays, like slipping a modest $187,000 into a close friend's campaign stocking. "Let me say this," Mr. Martin demands at several points.
Your Guide to Holiday TV © Coolth, 2003
Posted December 4. 2003
Click the banner or click here for ACTUAL ANALYSIS
Christmas page | Home