It's that time of year again, and as usual NEW IMPROVED HEAD has been overwhelmed by messages from the rich, the famous, and the powerful from around the world, eager to pass on their Christmas messages to YOU, the NEW IMPROVED HEAD reader! So here are their messages for YOU!
George W. Bush, president of the United States of America: Hoo-ee! Hooooooooo-ee! We got him! We got him! We done gone and got him! Hoooo-ee! We're going to get to kill him! We're going to string him up! Hooo-ee!
Laura and I join in wishing you and yours the peace and goodwill for which the holiday season teaches us to strive. This offer not valid in Iraq.Paris Hilton, well-known rich person: Like Merry Christmas, everyone!! Now like where's my cheque?
Paul Martin, prime minister of Canada: Hoo-ee! Hooooooooo-ee! I got it! I got it! I got the job at last! Hoo-ee! Hooooooooo-ee!
Let me say that Sheila and I are unable to join in extending holiday wishes to you this holiday season because our wishes are all needed to combat the perilous financial condition Canada found itself in as soon as I became prime minister. Which reminds me – hoooo-ee!Dalton McGuinty, premier of Ontario: My government, which is mine, which belongs to me, which is why it is always referred to as the McGuinty government in all our news releases and why we never say who the relevant cabinet minister is, as I was saying my McGuinty government has discovered that the misguided policies of the previous Tory government have placed Christmas in a desperate financial position. The very existence of Ontario Frankincense Generation is in doubt. My McGuinty government will soon take decisive and effective action by appointing another important and influential Canadian who is temporarily out of work as a result of backing the wrong candidate in the federal Liberal leadership race to inquire into this predicament.
Terri and I join in extending our best wishes to Herb Dhaliwal.Jacques Chirac, president of France: We are pleased to announce that France is banning displays of conspicuous religious items at all Christmas celebrations. These items include large conspicuous crosses, large conspicuous creches, and large, conspicuous wise men. Small Christian religious items remain acceptable. But Ramadan, Hanukah, and all the other unGallic-sounding religious observances we are banning outright. We have to allow some leeway to Christmas because, after all, Jesus was French.
David Letterman, gifted satirist: As I was walking across Central Park today it was so cold that the squirrels were jumping into the manger in the Christmas display to warm their nuts.
Paul Shaffer, associate of Mr. Letterman's: Haaaaa!
Tony Blair, prime minister of the United Kingdom: While Cherie and I join with President Bush in wishing you peace and goodwill (offer not valid in Iraq), we do wish to emphasize our opposition to any plan to deal with mysterious Middle Eastern figure Santa al-Claus which would expose him to the risk of capital punishment. Because Mr. al-Claus's old-style, outmoded, Old Labour, socialistic policy of distributing goods at no cost threatens the very foundations of the world economy, we think capital punishment is simply too good for the likes of him, and that instead he should be locked away in one of our Northern Irish prisons for the rest of his natural life.
Robert Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe: To end the dominance of white culture in the celebration of Christmas the government of Zimbabwe is nationalizing the North Pole. Imperialist Santa Claus, grown fat from colonialist exploitation, is to vacate the North Pole immediately, leaving absolutely all his goodies behind to be distributed to deserving Zimbabwean war veterans and the occasional supporter of mine. My security director, 106-year-old Eugene "Bull" Connor, and I join in extending our warmest wishes for the season to each other.
Dr. Phil, TV psychologist: You don't have to be a wise man to know that Christmas means fun and good times combined with spiritual renewal. You apparently don't have to be one to become a spiritual guide to millions of depressed American women, either.
All of us at NEW IMPROVED HEAD: Merry Christmas and a happy New Year, and if you don't celebrate Christmas we hope you enjoy yourself as much as those of us who will be celebrating it.
Christmas Wishes from Around the World © Coolth, 2003
Posted December 18, 2003
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