new improved head (www.newimprovedhead.com)

Christmas at the White House, 2004
a NEW IMPROVED HEAD special report

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Top ten ways you know it's Christmas at the White House:

• Daily briefing on progress of plan to invade North Pole, supplant liberal do-gooding dictator Santa al-Claus, and destroy his massive stockpiles of Fruitcakes of Mass Destruction.

• President announces plan to celebrate Christmas by inviting "all his old National Guard buddies" for reunion – then tells stunned aides "Gotcha!"

• Finishing touches put on plan to "reach out" by filling all Democrats' stockings with lumps of coal.

• President signs law to change Christmas from season of peace on earth, goodwill to men, to season of war on foreigners, goodwill to rich men. Very rich men.

• In preparation for White House Christmas party, Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas perfect Amos and Andy routine.

• Santa brings Tom DeLay lifetime immunity from prosecution; Tom says his life will not change.

• White House staff spend weeks counting out cash to put in Halliburton's Christmas card.

• Justice Scalia drops by to invite everyone over for his traditional Christmas Constitution-burning.

• President consults family and friends to find nice boy to pair up Mary Cheney with at White House Christmas dinner.

And the number one way you know it's Christmas at the White House:

Baby Jesus in White House nativity scene starts spinning in cradle.

 
December 8, 2004