That Bush UN Speech in Full!
an NIH exclusive
Good evening, ladies and Germans!
Whew I just flew in from the coast, and boy are my bombs tired!
What do they charge extra for laughing here? Lighten up, folks!
As I was saying to Kofi Annan on my way in that Kofi what a great guy you know who's really saying a lot of nice things about you in Washington, Kofi? No? Then I'll tell you who's saying a lot of nice things about you in Washington, Kofi!
Nobody!
That Kofi, he cracks me up. Anyway, I was saying to Kofi on my way in, I said, "Kofi, Kofi" I said, "who was that lady I saw you with last night?" And Kofi said, "That was no lady, that was Jacques Chirac."
What is this, a waxworks? Come on, people! You'd think you were watching the Clintons' bedroom for signs of life!
That Kofi, though, he's such a kidder. I asked him if he had any pets and he said "No Tony Blair is taken."
Aw I see Tony's nose is a little out of joint now. I guess it's not surprising, considering where it's been!
Don't worry, Tony. Daddy's got the biggest bestest bonie-wonie to give you later! Yes he has! Yes he has!
Speaking of kidders, though, how about that Saddam Hussein? Seemed to have all those weapons of mass destruction, and then we couldn't find any. He must have hidden them with the clean French toilets!
Is this a morgue or what! You know, it could easily be turned into one!!
That's better.
Saddam Hussein, what a guy! He's quite the ladies' man, you know. He has four wives! Four wives! It's no wonder he's in hiding!
But seriously, folks, we'd like to bust Saddam's ass a bit. You know what I mean by busting ass? No? Okay, that's almost what Cherie Blair busts for Tony every day!
No, Tony! No, Tony! Daddy's got the biggest bestest bonie-wonie to give you later! Yes he has! Yes he has!
Anyway, the next time I see Saddam's ass, I want to see it busted. I want to see it busted like Jeffrey Archer! You know Jeffrey Archer, the big British politician who went to prison? He's Lord Archer, actually. You've got to call him Lord Archer. You know what that means? No? It means that when he was in the pen the tough inmates had to address him as Sir Bitch!
Anyway, who wants to go Saddam-busting? Who wants to go Saddam-busting? I can't heeeeear you! I can't heeeeear you!
That's better. Good boy, Tony! Cherie has your kibble!
Anyway, our aim in the United States is to make the world safe for democracy, and to do that we have to bust the ass of Mr. Saddam Hussein. Or as I like to call him, Mr. So Damn Insane!
Look, as Gerhard Schroeder would say, ve haff vays of making you laugh.
We really do. Lots and lots of ways.
That's better.
Anyway, we're going to bust Mr. So Damn Insane's ass, but we can't do it alone! Pacifying Iraq and eradicating Saddam Hussein's and Osama bin Laden's empire of evil is something we all have to pitch in and help with!
So open the curtain, Tony! Come on, open the big curtain! Daddy-waddy wants Tony-wony to open the big curtain! Come on! Come on! Attaboy!
And there it is, folks! There's the big board!
Actually we've got two big boards, as you can see. One is for donations of money, and one is for donations of troops. Our targets are $40 billion and 15,000 troops. As you can see, we've got a long way to go to reach those goals! I know I didn't learn much in school, but even I know $45 is a lot less than 40 billion!
But there is hope! Operators are standing by now! All you have to do is pick up the phone and pledge your support to Operation Saddambuster! Tony's just handing me some completed pledges now!
Don't sulk, Tony. Come here. Come on. What a guy, eh, folks! What a guy. To put up with all that stuff about being my poodle! You know it's all just a joke, don't you, Tony? Of course you do! It's all just good-natured fun! I'll make it up to you as soon as this is over. Yep, as soon as this is over you go get your leash and Daddy'll take you for a walk!
What a guy! Tony Blair, ladies and gentlemen! What a great guy. And he always remembers to go on the paper.
Anyway, let's look at the pledges. Say, here's one from my good buddy Vicente Fox in Mexico! "Mr. Fox is in a meeting," it says. I'll bet when he gets out he'll pledge something big!
There's only one thing that gong means! It means it's time to update the big board! Here we go folks we're up to wait for it the numbers are spinning we're up to forty-seven dollars! Wow! Jean Chrιtien must have hocked one of his suits!
Way to go, people! A donation of one dollar or two dollars may not seem like much in itself, but when you add up oh a whole lot of them, it comes out to, oh, a whole lot of money!
Hey, is that Gerhard Schroeder I see there twiddling the combination lock on his wallet! Way to go, Gerhard. Oh, it's not Gerhard! Way to go, anyway, ma'am!
I'm here all week, folks.
That Bush UN Speech in Full © Coolth, 2003
September 24, 2003
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