Freedomocracy
an NIH exclusive
Following is the text of George W. Bush's recent appeal (September 21, 2004) to the United Nations for help in spreading freedom and democracy:
Secretary General, other distinguished foreigners, I come to you today to ask you to join me in a great mission.
For a year and a half now, the United States and its partners in the Coalition of the Willing, some of whom are the United Kingdom and many of whom are not, have been engaged in a mission to bring freedom and democracy to every corner of the earth. We Americans are proud to be in the forefront of this mission.
Let's face it, the United States has a surplus of democracy, so exporting some of it works out for the good of all. You have already reaped the benefits of this exportation of democracy – we skimmed off some Florida democracy in 2000, and that saved you from having to listen to Al Gore make speeches to you! I mean, we've all heard enough about how he invented the interweb or whatever that thing is. I guarantee, I'll never be coming here and claiming that!
Anyway, we in the United States of America believe that we have enough democracy that we can safely export some of it and leave the management of our political affairs to management specialists like Diebold and Halliburton. Those fellows at Diebold – I mean, those fellows and gals – have got the voting machine perfected to a point where it's no longer necessary for Americans to vote at all! We still allow those people who insist on it to show up and press a few on-screen buttons and things, but really the voting's all done by the machines!
It just makes sense to me. I mean, look at the average American voter. He or she knows about as much about the issues as I do! We all feel much safer leaving the important decisions to powerful software designed by experts!
And no more worrying about hanging chads! By the way, while I was governor of Texas I never hung any Chads, but I electrocuted a couple!
But seriously, my administration has taken advantage of the surplus of democracy in the United States to pass the Patriot Act, taking unnecessary rights away from Americans and freeing those rights up for export to your country!
Yes, now you and your people can enjoy the same rights that Americans used to enjoy! We are now offering the world our new version of freedom and democracy, Freedomocracy 2.0®. It's easy to install, and the benefits are enormous!
Just ask Ghazi Mashal Ajil al-Yawir about the benefits his country received after we sent our technicians there. He went from being a humble engineer to being president of Iraq, and even got to make his brother an ambassador! And what's even better – Freedomocracy 2.0 ®contains no bothersome elections!
What are the system requirements for Freedomocracy 2.0®? There's just one – effective military resistance must not be installed in your system. As long as that requirement is met, 150,000 uniformed Freedomocracy technicians, some with Kevlar vests, can instantly be dispatched to your country to begin installation!
So don't delay, act today! Remember, no other American political leader offers Freedomocracy®! This offer not available in North Korea. Some disruption of water and electricity supply may occur. Installation may lead to armed insurgencies. Protect cultural treasures against looting.
Freedomocracy © Coolth, 2004
September 22, 2004
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