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All Ugly, All the Time!
by licensed television critic Farrell Childe

The television business is nothing if not original. With the success of Ugly Betty, both in the ratings and at the Golden Globes, TV producers are rushing to come up with their own original competitors in the new genre that Ugly Betty has begun – the tribute to inner beauty.

Here’s a list of original new shows that you’ll soon be seeing on your television:

  • Joe President: This show chronicles the adventures of George, a middle-aged president of the United States looked down on for his subnormal intelligence, who nevertheless charms viewers with the inner beauty he manifests in his bumbling attempts to save New Orleans and bring democracy to the middle east.
  • Smelly Susan: The central figure in this show is a young woman who never washes or brushes her teeth, but who is helping to save the environment by reducing consumption of hot water and avoiding the pollution of the water supply with soap residues.
  • Goofy Jong-Il: This show chronicles the life of the leader of a far eastern country who is short, pudgy, and badly coiffed. Nevertheless, he is a wise and caring leader, helping his people by, for example, restricting their diets so that they never get fat.
  • Thoroughly Worthy Thelma: The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation’s contribution to the genre is about Thelma, a homely transgendered professional crokinole player who contributes to national unity by knitting free toques for separatists. With Jayne Eastwood.
  • Mysterious Michaëlle: In this clever twist on the genre, an outwardly beautiful woman demonstrates her awareness of the meaninglessness of outer beauty by rising to a position of great prominence and then mysteriously becoming invisible.
  • Dirty Doris: Doris will sleep with anyone, demonstrating that what is important is neither outer beauty nor inner, but whether you’re in ‘er.
  • Boring Bill: A mild-mannered and bland computer nerd becomes fabulously wealthy selling overhyped but second-rate software to captive customers, then makes up for it by enabling them to download all the free porn they want.
  • The Other Girls Next Door: This spinoff from The Girls Next Door, the reality show about the young, beautiful women who live at the Playboy Mansion, is about the plain-looking gals who live next door to the Playboy Mansion, but who demonstrate their inner beauty by being good pals with the young, beautiful residents of the mansion, who show their gratitude by taking off their clothes some more.
  • Canadian Betty: CTV’s contribution to the genre is a Canadian version of Ugly Betty, about a young woman from Saskatoon who joins the staff of a glamorous farm equipment magazine in Regina, where she is the butt of cruel jokes played on her by empty-headed glamorous farmers. With Ben Mulroney.
  • Ken Burns' Ugly America: PBS shows Ken Burns' latest 27-part documentary, in which ugliness is revealed as the glue which binds America. By establishing a society in which the ugly (Abraham Lincoln) used to be able to rise to the top as easily as the beautiful, America was able to conquer the world. The new preference for beauty in America is not a betrayal of this tradition, however – by ministering to the needs of the ugly, America has become a world leader in cosmetic surgery and botox treatment! For a hundred bucks you get a Proud to be Ugly in America totebag.

    All Ugly, All the Time! © John Fitzgerald, 2007

    January 17, 2007

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