Stop the Smears!
by Reg B.
The five weeks since the mass murders of September 11 have been marked by a vicious, unwarranted campaign of vilification intended to fix the blame for the attacks on a group which had absolutely nothing to do with them. The plain facts show conclusively that nothing could be further from the truth. It is time for this libellous campaign to stop!
The vilified group is of course the evil community. The mass murderers of September 11 have repeatedly been described as evil men. However, we in the evil community ask: Have you already forgotten that these murderers committed their horrendous acts in the name of God?
Surely it is easy to understand that evil people do not serve God! We serve the devil, or, as we prefer to call him, Beelzebub (familiarly, Bob). We do not do things for the glory of God, but for the glory of Beelzebub!
Furthermore, what reason do we in the evil community have to participate in suicide missions? Do you think we find the afterlife promising? We are lost souls who are assured of burning in hell for eternity, so we are in no hurry to put in an early appearance there.
We evil people (or "bastards," as we refer to ourselves) believe in life. If we're going to burn in hell, let's enjoy ourselves first, eh? The idea that any of us would rush away from any of our many orgies of sex and drugs to engineer the crash of a plane with us in it is simply preposterous!
Nor do we see much point in killing good people. Our duty as evil people is to win the souls of good people for Beelzebub (see orgies of sex and drugs above). Why would we want to give the good people early tickets to heaven?
No, good people are the killers among us. They kill because their God tells them to kill. They kill to protect their precious religion. They kill because they think their belief in God absolves them of sin. The history of humankind is awash in blood shed by the virtuous and just.
What, for example, have all those good people who blamed evil people for the murders been doing for the last few weeks? What they've been doing is cheering as the United States bombs the crap out of a country where a two-humped camel is considered cutting-edge technology! Perhaps they consider themselves more virtuous than the murderers of September 11 because, unlike them, they didn't steal the planes.
We in the evil community realize that not everyone can be evil. Not everyone has the emotional depth necessary to reach a state of despair so profound that you believe that you are necessarily condemned to an eternity of torment. We realize that many of you in the virtuous community are jealous of us for this reason. It hardly seems fair that people who do God's will don't get to go to the really good parties.
But let's look at the other side of the issue. You virtuous people get to live in heaven for eternity, and even before you get to heaven you get to pat yourselves on the back all the time about how virtuous you are.
So, next time you feel like sloughing off some of your own guilt onto us in the evil community, stop and think about the burden under which we already labour. Is it so hard to keep that guilt for yourselves when you're going to be absolved of it eventually, anyway?
And why not get to know your evil community better? The next time there's a dogfight in your neighbourhood, why not drop in and get to know the organizers? Why not start patronizing your local drug dealers? The evil heritage is a rich and diverse one that's worth knowing better. One thing that is not consistent with it, however, is killing people for the greater glory of God.
Yes, we evil people are depraved. We are vicious. We steal anything that's not nailed down, we screw anything on two or four legs, and we write in library books. But, as any fair-minded examination of the facts proves, when good people are killed, it's other good people who kill them.
Stop the Smears! © Coolth, 2001
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