A statement by St. Nicholas of Myra ("Santa Claus®"), CEO of North Pole Holdings PLC
December 5, 2007
We here at North Pole Holdings PLC have been disturbed by recent misunderstandings about the safety of toys. Repeated press stories about so-called toxic toys have led many people to believe that standards are declining at our toy manufacturing operations, both at the North Pole and at our subsidiary plants in China.
In fact, the opposite is true. Standards in our workshops are higher than ever. However, standards of childrearing have been in steady decline for at least three decades. Continual indulgence of children, in the name of giving them self-esteem, has produced generations of self-centred brats whose wilful disobedience of their parents, teachers, and other adult authorities has established new lower – nay, abysmal – standards of naughtiness.
At North Pole we have traditionally tried to discourage naughtiness by delivering lumps of coal to naughty children. However, increasing restrictions on coal mining, last year’s industrial action by the International Federation of Gnome Mining Operatives, and the demonstrated inefficacy of the coal-delivery model in dealing with the swelling numbers of naughty children have forced us to implement new, more stringent anti-naughtiness measures.
From now on, naughty children will be receiving not lumps of coal, but lumps of toxin cleverly disguised as attractive playthings. We believe that the ill effects of playing with these lumps of toxin will discourage children from repeating the obnoxious behaviour which obtained the lumps of toxin for them in the first place.
These punitive playthings are produced with the same careful attention to detail for which North Pole Holdings products are known. All toxins are produced to exacting standards, and naughty children will be receiving uniform doses of them.
So rest assured, parents, that we at North Pole Holdings are as concerned as ever about your children’s well-being. While the immediate effects of playing with toys coated in lead paint and other toxins will be unpleasant, your children will be deterred from continuing their obnoxious childhood habits into adulthood. You also will be spared the additional effort required to clean up messy coal residue every Christmas.
We wish all nice children and their parents a very merry Christmas. If you have further questions about this policy, please address them to our lawyers, Wright Bastard LLP, at 1-877-SUE-THIS.
Toxic Toys: Santa Speaks © John FitzGerald, 2007
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