As election day approaches, many Canadians have still not decided who they will vote for. Given the quality of the election coverage that other media outlets are providing, that's not surprising. So we at NEW IMPROVED HEAD are proud to step into the gap left by our competitors and provide the following quiz, which will quickly help you decide which of Canada's four major parties should get your vote!

We asked representatives of each of the major political parties to complete ten sentences for us (we skipped the Green Party because we figured they wouldn't want to have anyhting to do with anything taking place on as big an energy waster as the internet). The sentences and their completions appear below. Simply check the completion of each sentence which is most attractive to you. Rules for scoring appear after the quiz. And here we go:

 1. The best taxation policy is:

1. to adapt the level of taxation to economic circumstances, such as the debt, the inflation rate, and the need to have us running the economy.
2. to slash progressive taxes and increase regressive taxes.
3. to increase corporate taxes.
4. le politique d'un Québec souverain.

 2. The role of the Canadian military is to:

1. allow Canada to fulfil its international obligations as a member of the UN and NATO.
2. allow Canada to defend itself against – against – oh – something, at least.
3. satisfy the military needs of gays, lesbians, and aboriginals.
4. opprimer la nation québécoise.

 3. The health care system can best be improved by:

1. throwing money at it.
2. throwing money at it.
3. throwing money at it.
4. un Québec souverain.

 4. To create jobs the best policy is to:

1. create opportunities in the Quebec advertising industry.
2. lower taxes and put more money in the marketplace.
3. hire more gender identity counsellors.
4. nous rendre souverains.

 5. To promote immigration Canada should:

1. ensure that immigration procedures are equitable, just, and effective, just as they are now.
2. promote immigration? say what?
3. ensure equitable treatment for gay and lesbian immigrants.
4. exiger des immigrants une connaissance du français.

 6. Government accountability can best be assured by:

1. electing us.
2. electing us.
3. electing us.
4. nous rendant souverains.

 7. The chief consideration in preparing the national budget should be:

1. carefully weighing the needs of the many government programs against the variables affecting the Canadian economy and against the need to get elected.
2. getting rid of government waste to free funding for programs, plus shafting the poor.
3. making corporations pay their fair share, and day care.
4. de rectifier l'injustice budgétaire subie par le Québec.

 8. The best means of improving the functioning of Canadian democracy is/are:

1. electing a government which represents the diverse groups which make up Canadian society, as long as it's run by white men.
2. initiatives, referendums, and recalls, which have proven so effective in California.
3. proportional representation, assuming we keep on being unable to persuade people to vote for us.
4. la création d'un Québec souverain.

 9. The best way to protect the environment is to:

1. ratify and enforce the Kyoto protocols, according to our own interpretation of them.
2. forget the Kyoto protocols, which will never be implemented, and work co-operatively with industry to persuade Canadians to adopt more environmentally responsible lifestyles.
3. establish in Canada a world-leading macrame industry.
4. subventionner les initiatives environnementales de Bombardier.

10. The most serious problem facing Canada is:

1. Stephen Harper.
2. sin, vice, and corruption – that is, Paul Martin.
3. negative attitudes, like those on those corrupt, homeless-person-killing, influence-peddling corporate toadies Martin and Harper.
4. le Canada.

Scoring. Add up the times you checked each of the four letters designating the alternatives in each item and determine which of the four you checked most often. Then find your recommended party below:

If you checked a most often: You are a Liberal. You like charismatic leaders, grand plans to achieve Good Things, and payment in cash. If the Liberals lose the election, you will believe that the antichrist is abroad in the land.

If you checked b most often: You are a conservative. You advocate duty, responsibility, and supererogatory personal hygiene. Your hobbies are cleaning up, disciplining your children, and hating Central Canadians.

If you checked c most often: You are a New Democrat. You want to do good for people, whether they want you to or not. You would make a good schoolteacher, which is a good thing because that's probably what you are.

If you checked d most often: You are a Bloquiste. You don't believe anything the English tell you, so we won't tell you anything about yourself.

And there you are! In only a few short minutes you've prepared yourself to go and take part in that great exercise in blatant hucksterism – er, democracy, I mean democracy – that great exercise in democracy which is a Canadian election. You can now cast your vote confident that no matter who wins, there's a good chance things could be worse. God help yez all.

Helping YOU Decide! © Coolth, 2004

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