A Rose by Any Other Name
by NIH modern living editor Jason Capodimonte
Every time I put on the sports news this week I half expect to see a picture of Pete Rose with a long scraggly beard, being deloused. Footage of baseball commissioner Bud Selig at a news conference announcing "Ladies and gentlemen, we got him." Oooo – we hate Pete Rose!
Oooo – Pete Rose gambled! Let's see. Hundreds of millions of people play the lottery, and millions go to casinos, but it's only Pete Rose who should be ashamed.
But, you might say, he gambled illegally! And what does that mean? It means he gave his patronage to the suppliers who offered him the best deal. Have you ever compared the odds the Ontario government pays on baseball games to the odds bookies pay? Have you compared the average odds governments pay on their legal versions of the numbers racket to the odds that numbers "racketeers" pay? Apparently not, because if you had, every government running gambling would be in prison. Your average government makes your average bookie look like Santa Claus.
You see, gambling is okay as long as it is taxed to within an inch of its life. Because, you know, governments have such great ideas about what to do with tax money. They could register guns!
But, you say, Pete Rose may have manipulated the outcomes of games! Okay, so where's the problem? Major league baseball is officially opposed to all gambling, legal or illegal, on major league baseball games. The revelation of Pete Rose's gambling brought betting on baseball games into disrepute. Anything that brings the baseball gambling industry into disrepute should warm the cockles of major league baseball's heart. If the people running major league baseball had hearts. But you get my point, I'm sure.
I'll tell you what the problem is with Pete Rose – he acted like a red-blooded American. He saw an opportunity and he took advantage of it. So it was illegal – you may recall that the invasion of Iraq was illegal, but major league baseball is so proud of the invasion of Iraq that it briefly made the Canadian teams wear American flags on their uniforms. The American teams are still wearing them. And you know, the invasion of Iraq is a somewhat more serious matter than the outcome of a few crummy baseball games. Anyway, to return to my point, Pete Rose showed initiative, he showed a willingness to turn events to his advantage. These are characteristics, though, which major league baseball does not want to encourage.
People with initiative might start taking action about the lousy product major league baseball makes them pay huge prices for these days. Major league teams build smaller and smaller stadiums and fill them with bigger and bigger ballplayers so that games degenerate into home run derbies. No base stealing, no strategic thinking, just the tedium of Earl Weaver-style baseball. People with initiative wouldn't find the parade of overpaid weightlifters to the plate which passes these days for baseball to be very entertaining, so anyone whose example might inspire the zombies who constitute what's left of baseball's market to think for themselves has to be ruthlessly crushed.
Should Pete Rose be in the Hall of Fame? He should be getting the Presidential Medal of Freedom!
Really. It's awarded for "an especially meritorious contribution to the security or national interests of the United States, or to world peace, or to cultural or other significant public or private endeavors." Julia Child has one, for example (and not for her work in the OSS). Pete Rose gambled for us. He not only furthered the interests of a major cultural undertaking (baseball, eh?), he also encouraged us to question our idolatry of professional athletes. Let's show our appreciation. And when you give him the medal, make him sign a receipt.
January 8, 2004
A Rose by Any Other Name © Coolth, 2004
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