The Curse of Mullah Omar
and the Bones of Geronimo
by Latrop Goosemello, (ex-secretary, Canadian League Of Defense of the Supernatural)Originally posted in 2001
Evidence is mounting that Mullah Omar, the deposed Taliban leader of Afghanistan, is exacting gruesome revenge on the leadership of the United States that chose to topple his regime. The latest evidence is George Dubyah Bush's "fainting spell", supposedly induced by choking on a pretzel. I am not normally one to doubt the wisdom of Dubyah's spin-doctors, whom I'm sure did a thorough job of trying out many other "explanations" on round-the-clock Focus Groups before coming up with the pretzel story, but North Americans deserve to be told the truth. Which is that Dubyah was possessed by Demons from Hell, unleashed by Allah on the intercession of Omar.
A more theologically correct explanation, I'm told, is that Allah agreed, by reason of the entire nation being in the possession of Satan, to remove temporarily the protection from the said demons normally extended, by divine grace, to US citizens. In any event, Dubyah was apparently possessed by Demons from Hell for several hours during which time he went through the entire Chris Carter special effects repertoire, with a short interlude of acting like Howard Cosell. The most that modern medicine could do for him was to suppress an erection for the last hour or so. Otherwise, it seems that only the physical presence of Pat Robertson, summoned from a New Orleans bordello and transported by the USAF, was able to save the Prez.
Highly reputable sources confirm that Dick Cheney's lack of visibility is due to Omar's successful imposition on him of a special state of catatonia, known as "death in life". Beyond the avails of modern pharmaceuticals, he is racked in perpetual pain induced by sensations of having his liver gnawed by badgers. When he may be released from this agony is not known but Mullah Omar has conveyed through channels that several dozen tickets to the Super Bowl "wouldn't hurt".
The saddest news of all pertains to the family of the late Donald Rumsfeld, who cannot make any public acknowledgment of his untimely passing, victim of a ball of liquid flame that left no residue. The "Donald Rumsfeld" we see at the briefings and on CNN is, of course, an actor.
The Rumsfeld family's forbearance is a touchstone of the fortitude of the American patrician class. While plebeian firemen, marines and the like receive the plaudits of the media commentators and the public at large, the Blue Bloods bear their loss with stoicism. Their real fear is expressed in hushed tones as "pact renewal", meaning the pact with Satan that Prescott Bush negotiated and which was renewed by George Herbert, father of Dubya. While they know they'll "get their hair mussed" by Omar's curse, they feel secure while old "Poppy" is around and able to summon up satanic forces to stymie Omar.
How Prescott Bush swung the "Big S deal", as it is known in Bush family circles, is a murky story that still ruffles some Blue Blood feathers. How did a mere apparatchik of the Harriman-Brown merchant bank get the deal traditionally reserved for the East coast financier families themselves? This is not clear but many believe it is connected with the theft of the bones of Geronimo, the legendary American Indian chief, and their transfer to the Bones club of Yale, of which all the Bush boys from Prescott down have been members. This coup by old Prescott is the key to the subsequent triumphs of the Bushes. The Blue Blood unease lies in a gnawing fear that none of George H's offspring are able to renew the pact. Jeb's move to Florida is taken as a tacit admission that he's not the one: the Big S is not comfortable with anyone that has to associate too much with Jews and latinos. Neal was always the heir apparent but his soul is now owned by the Federal Reserve Board as a result of the Savings and Loans bailout that cost US citizens over a trillion dollars. That leaves...you know who. Hence the concern.
The latest episode - the "fainting" – may well be the Bush clan's final undoing. The Blue Bloods are not so much concerned that George H could not prevent the Demons from Hell attack on his son's behalf or bring it to a speedy halt - after all, Allah is stronger than Satan - but that bringing in Robertson is just going to piss off the Big S too much. So the Blue Bloods are casting around for candidates outside the Bush family. I've a feeling that Geronimo's bones are going to be on the move again.
The Curse of Mullah Omar and the Bones of Geronimo © Latrop Goosemello, 2001
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