More Olympic Medals for Canada!
by NIH sports correspondent Duff "Twilley" Wilmott
We're a week and a half into the summer Olympic Games, which means as usual that we've had about six weeks' worth of handwringing about why Canada does so poorly in them.
We here at NIH of course believe that any country whose adult citizens can't be bothered to devote their lives to mastering children's games is actually doing quite well, but we are democrats and therefore will not dismiss the opinion that Canada does do poorly out of hand. In fact, we're going to make some suggestions which would help Canada improve its record significantly in the summer Olympics. And here they are.
And finally, the number 1 time-tested all-Canadian approach to winning at anything:
- National steroidicare program. Clearly success in modern sports requires extensive use of pharmaceutical adjuncts to one's training program. American athletes can buy theirs with money from their athletic scholarships, but Canadians have to scrounge for money with which to buy these essential components of any well designed training regime. Come on, Roy Romanow! As our health care Messiah-in-Waiting, why not demand that our politicians stop their squabbling and make sure that our athletes, national symbols of health and fitness, contain the highest-quality pharmaceutical ingredients that money can buy!
- Make boxla an Olympic sport. Football is the British national sport – it's in the Olympics. Baseball is the American national sport – it's in the Olympics. Box lacrosse is by act of parliament Canada's national summer sport – it's not in the Olympics! Obviously this slight must be redressed. Besides, the Olympics could use a dose of Canadian culture and of Canadian sportsmanship. It's about time the Olympics had a game which allows players to hit each other with wooden sticks and in which someone's taking a penalty every 30 seconds or so. Canada dominated the inaugural world championship of the pantywaist "indoor" version of the game, so a gold for the much tougher boxla would be in the bag! And probably the silver and bronze as well, if the guys just like took them away from the other countries.
- Establish Canadian content rules for awarding medals. Canadian content rules worked wonders for Canadian popular music, and they'd work wonders for our athletes. If the transnational corporations which own the Olympics knew that they were going to have to dish out a fair quota of medals to Canadians they'd make sure that Canadian athletes got better support for their training. We might even be able to do without that national steroidicare program.
- Allow bodychecking in soccer. Admit it – that's the best idea for improving a sport that you've heard for a long time. In fact…
- Allow bodychecking in track and field, gymnastics, tennis, and pretty well everything, including synchronized swimming.
- Have Second Cup Royal blend classified as a permitted medication. We've got a monopoly of it, eh?
So let's have an end to that tiresome whining about how poorly Canada does in the summer Olympics! If you're one of those who wants Canadians to excel at the mindless spectacle of corporate exploitation which is the modern Olympic Games, victory is within your grasp! The rest of us would like to help, but we'll be too busy having lives.
- Cheat.
Posted August 25, 2004More Olympic Medals for Canada! © John FitzGerald, 2004
