That New-Time Religion
by His Excellency Stanley Cardinal Musial
Rome, April 13, 2005
While we princes of the Church have been busy lately, we of course did not neglect our duty to read NEW IMPROVED HEAD's feature article last week, and we did not fail to hear the call for a revival of the Catholic faith made in that article. Accordingly, even as we prepared for the vital conclave next week at which we will elect a new Pope, we agreed on several groundbreaking initiatives which we are sure will renew and rejuvenate the Church of Rome:
And the number one change the Roman Catholic church will make to bring the Papacy into the 21st century:
- Election of Pope to take part on special edition of Vatican Idol.
- To promote ecumenism, Protestants no longer considered damned but merely future residents of hell for eternity.
- Popemobile to be makeover of the week on Pimp My Ride.
- Hatred of the Jewish people to be forbidden, Catholics allowed to hate only the Jews they know.
- Pope's ring officially renamed Pope's bling-bling.
- Still no women priests, but male priests will continue to wear dresses.
- Excommunicated Catholics to receive lovely parting gifts.
- Pope to host new TV show, Most Hilarious Confessional Bloopers.
- From now on Virgin Mary to be known as V-Mama.
- When asking for ballot, papal electors who covered up sexual abuse by priests must say "pretty please".
That New-Time Religion © John FitzGerald, 2005
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