After George W. Bush succeeded in returning to the White House – you notice how neatly we avoided saying he was re-elected; until someone figures out whether or not Mr. Bush is the mastermind of the most extensive and efficient system of voter fraud ever conceived by the mind of man – on second thought, as soon as George W. Bush was re-elected as president of the United States, many Americans started investigating the possibility of emigrating to Canada. A Canadian government website staggered under the increase in traffic as thousands looked for information about permanent residency. But a surge in applications for permanent residency failed to materialize.

To investigate the reasons for this failure by Americans to succumb to the lure of Canada and Canadian life, we here at the International Centre for the Study of the Zeitgeist at Greater Freelton Area College of Applied Arts and Technology conducted a poll among 1,100 Americans randomly selected from all the states of the Union about how they could pass up this wonderful opportunity.

Following are the ten reasons most frequently given by Americans for deciding not to emigrate to Canada, along with the percentage of Americans giving each answer. These results are pretty accurate really quite a fair bit of the time. And now here they are, the top ten reasons Americans aren't coming to Canada:

10. A Canadian told me Canadians are pissed all the time. (1%)

 9. Afraid of becoming addicted to dangerous Canadian street drug, poutine. (1%)

 8. It's cold! It's cold! I'm a-scared! (3%)

 7. Pretty certain Bush won't reinstate the draft. (3%)

 6. Absence in Canada of delicacies such as grits and boiled peanuts. (5%)

 5. Canadian public schools don't provide shooting lessons. (5%)

 4. Out-of-work hockey players roaming the streets infecting innocent passers-by with lethal rabies. (5%)

 3. Football replaced on TV by curling. (5%)

 2. Queen retains old feudal right of the first night. (10%)

And the number one reason Americans have decided not to emigrate to Canada:

 1. Canada – what's that? (62%)

 
November 10, 2004