Our Choice for January 23
an NIH special report
January 18, 2006
That's some choice you got on January 23, eh, bunkie? Vote for the Conservatives and you'll get a guy who says you don't have to worry about the damage his government's policies could do to Canada because there will be enough Liberal appointees left in positions of influence with enough power to frustrate his plans. Which means you might as well vote for the Liberals, except they're led by a guy who seems to have decided that his most outstanding characteristic is that he's not the first guy we mentioned, and he's willing to make up stuff to prove it. Then there are Jack and Gilles. Jack has tried, but for all his talk about running a positive campaign he has succeeded chiefly in getting coverage for his attacks on the first two guys. As for Gilles, most of us don't get to vote for him, anyway.
At NEW IMPROVED HEAD, we could never bring ourselves to recommend that YOU, our loyal and valued readers, vote for any of these sad excuses for leaders and their sad excuses for political parties. So what's a voter to do?
Fear not, loyal and valued readers! We are coming to the rescue! We do not take our promise to save you from thinking lightly! Before today, however, the sad state of our campaign budget ($171, much of that in Canadian Tire money) has prevented the NEW IMPROVED PARTY (NIP) from releasing its platform and conducting an intense media campaign. But we're ready now!
The New Improved Party stands foursquare for all the values Canadians hold dear:
The NIP is beholden to no interest groups, be they corporate, religious, or regional! Our values are the values of all Canadians. They are not the values of upper-income gay-bashers. They are not the values of sanctimonious charisma-worshippers who tell you that every instance of corruption and incompetence they've been responsible for was either an aberration or not corrupt or incompetent at all. They are not the values of a labour party that can't even get the endorsement of the country's most important labour leader.
- It stands for believing in protecting the environment while making sure that gasoline sells at low, low prices!
- It stands for believing that education is the key to Canada's future while making sure that university tuition skyrockets!
- It stands for believing in protecting the ozone layer while keeping hydro cheap so proud Canadians can run their air conditioners 24 hours a day!
- It stands for believing that centuries of unjust treatment of the aboriginal peoples can be ended by repeatedly promising to end centuries of unjust treatment of the aboriginal peoples!
- It stands for believing in multiculturalism and diversity while cracking down on immigration!
- It stands for reducing wait times for medical procedures while reducing access to medical procedures!
- It stands for reducing taxes while increasing social programs!
- And most of all, it stands for promoting national unity and reconciliation between English and French while fighting like rabid dogs over the slightest change in the current relations between the two peoples!
No, friends, they are the values that made this country great! By being able to hold contradictory values, Canadians have freed themselves from the necessity of sticking to a hidebound set of principles or to a party line. If you believe in every possible alternative, you'll consider every possible alternative when you're making a decision, and you won't reject any alternatives simply because your ideology says they're wrong. Canadians are flexible thinkers, and they need to be represented by flexible thinkers.
So on January 23, don't vote for those old, inflexible, ideology-driven parties, vote for the NEW IMPROVED PARTY to get all your values in one neat package! Come on – which is better, a new improved party or an old unimproved one? If you had to think about that one, maybe you should spend Monday cleaning up around the house.
Our Choice for January 23 © John FitzGerald, 2006
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