Your New Improved Head of State!
a NEW IMPROVED HEAD editorial
An important pastime in Canada is advocating the replacement of the monarchy. And when the Queen is actually in the country, as she is now, the press gives special prominence to calls for the replacement of the monarchy. We found out this time that the antimonarchists include a minister of the Crown another proof of Canadians' love of irony.
We call advocating the replacement of the monarchy a pastime because replacing it would seem to have little practical value. It wouldn't save any money, and about the only people whose lives would be affected would be the Governor General and the Lieutenant Governors. Of course, a lot of temporary jobs would be created removing the crown from all those signs and stationery oh, sorry; we've already done that.
On the other hand, the monarchy is an anachronism. The monarch played an important role in the feudal system, but now that the feudal system is long gone, swearing allegiance to the monarch is pointless. No one thinks that if war is declared on the United Kingdom Adrienne Clarkson will show up with a dozen knights (the Canadian Armed Forces don't have that much equipment, for a start). In fact, Canada intentionally delayed its declaration of war against Germany in 1939 to show that it was under no obligation to support the United Kingdom.
Then again, the Commonwealth is a pretty sorry operation these days, thanks largely to fifty years of the British kicking it in the nuts. To the British the chief function of the Commonwealth these days seems to be to keep the Royal Family out of the country as much as possible.
To the other countries of the Commonwealth, its chief function appears to be giving their leaders the opportunity to pretend to be statesmen. I'm sure everyone remembers those heady days of 1986 when even Kenneth Kaunda got to take advantage of that benefit.
And besides, the monarchy has just become boring, hasn't it? Prince Harry showed some signs of turning into a character out of Decline and Fall, but his recent birthday celebrations suggest that the Royal spin doctors have got hold of him. The boy spent his birthday demonstrating his social conscience rather than getting drunk and into fights with commoners we suspect some powerful form of brainwashing has entered the picture here. Now that the Queen Mother is gone, the Royal Family seems to have decided to devote itself to a life of popping round to inspect the good works of social workers.
But there is a problem with replacing the monarchy. The problem is what to replace it with. Antimonarchists usually do not object to the idea of having a head of state, and some do not even object to having a head of state who obtains the position through accident of birth. What they object to is having a foreign head of state. That means that they usually expect to replace the monarch with a new head of state drawn from the ranks of Canadian citizens.
Of course we do need someone to preside over important occasions like the opening of Parliament or the admission of people to the Order of Canada (a particularly important duty, since pretty nearly everyone gets in). But does it always have to be the same person? Couldn't we just hire someone to be master/mistress of ceremonies? We wouldn't mind seeing Parliament opened by the gracious and elegant Cynthia Dale, the Governor General's awards (or whatever they would come to be called) announced by popular spokeswoman Melissa Dimarco, or the welcome to the Order of Canada coming from a stately and beaming S๓nia Silva. We might even try out for the Order ourselves under those conditions.
As we have noted, the feudal system is dead, so we really do not need a head of state to whom members of parliament could pledge their allegiance. They could just, like, obey the law. But no, the antimonarchists want to replace the monarchy with something else.
That means, of course, that we have to decide what to replace it with. As we know, the Canadian response to all questions of overriding national importance is to think only of one's local interests. The initiation of a national debate about the replacement for the monarchy would initiate only passionate advocacy of provincial interests. If the plan Messrs Parizeau and Bouchard presented for sovereignty is anything to go by, Quebec would claim half the votes in any electoral process for selecting the new head of state. Alberta would ratify the necessary constitutional amendment only after the government repudiated the Kyoto Accord for all time, Ontario would want the office of head of state privatized, and so on.
But there is hope! We here at NEW IMPROVED HEAD believe that we have come up with a solution which is founded firmly in a Canadian heritage which speaks to us all.
Over the past fifty years, Canada has changed drastically. The last prime minister to take the Commonwealth seriously was John Diefenbaker. The last prime minister to take Canada seriously was Pierre Trudeau. Canadians used to have the peculiar idea that their mission was to build and defend a new type of society in North America, one that was distinct from the American. These days, of course, we understand that Canada's role in the world is to be a loyal wife to the United States.
We understand that the US has a lot on its mind and therefore may not be able to give us all the attention we'd like, but we will remain loyal and try to get the US to moderate some its more macho policies so that we can continue in the marriage without lying wide awake at night squirming. When the US in its role of paterfamilias lays down some arbitrary rule ("Get those softwood subsidies out of this house!"), we won't hurt its manly pride by standing up to it, but will go along meekly and hope that in the fullness of time it will realize how unduly harsh it has been to its loving spouse. When the US decides it wants to pick on the Middle Eastern neighbours, we'll persuade it to get the approval of the other neighbours first.
Yes, these days we understand that Canada's role in the world is to love, honour, and obey the United States. And what better way to reinforce that vision than to make it incarnate in our head of state! Let us choose as our new head of state a person who embodies this very idea and who has stamped it into the superego of the Canadian ruling classes! Let us choose as our new head of state a person who got Canadians used to fawning displays of homage to the president of the United States, and who is prepared to do so again!
All hail Queen Brian Mulroney!
Your New Improved Head of State! © Coolth, 2002
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