For Want of a Nail
by Natalie Flemme, media analyst
All the men are impotent. That’s the impression you get from commercials, anyway. Impotence pills are the new Big Mac. One commercial after another for them. In the old days men used to send away for stuff that would get women excited. Now they send away for stuff that will get them excited. That’s what happens when the Bay tones down its flyers, I guess (all the guys here assure me that all you guys out there will get that).
Meanwhile the men’s wives are getting high on housework. They’re dancing round the house while they dust. They’re dancing round the house smelling things. They’re even getting strange looks on their faces when they smell their kids’ bedrooms.
In fact, cleaning has become an obsession. The airwaves are clogged with ads for vacuum cleaners, patent sweepers, patent dusters, kitchen cleaners, toilet bowl cleaners, tile cleaners, and on and on. I guess when all the guys are impotent the gals have to sublimate, eh?
There are even ads for non-existent cleaning products! Ever try to find one of those Scrubbin’ Bubbles things? They don’t sell ‘em anywhere. They’re trying to wean the women away from sexual fantasies and get them hooked on hygienic fantasies.
All those booze ads don’t help, either. If men drink as much as advertisers think they should, it’s no wonder they’re having a little problem in the elevation department, if you get my drift.
I’m not imagining this. If I’m imagining it, why are there no condom commercials any more? Why is Mac hanging around with his killjoy pal PC when he could be off testing his hard drive, if you know where I’m coming from? Has that hard drive turned into a floppy?
Sports fans must be the most impotent of all. Sports programs are chock-a-block with Viagra and Cialis commercials. They even got Rafael Palmeiro to push the stuff. O tempora! O mores! When I was a girl athletes were total studs, not grinning duds.
But wait! Hmmm. These days sports fans tend to be…old. Television watchers tend to be… old. People who need Viagra tend to be…old.
So in the end it’s the…old, old story – those who can, do; those who can’t, watch television.
Another mystery solved. Now, where’s the TV Guide and my Swiffer?
For Want of a Nail © John FitzGerald, 2007
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