What the 2004
American Presidential Election
Means to Me
a NEW IMPROVED HEAD special report
As we have pointed out before, we here at NEW IMPROVED HEAD are blessed with a staff of experts in all fields – all fields that count, anyway. And from our global headquarters in Freelton, perched near the American border, we were able to follow the 2004 American presidential election with an eagle eye (geddit? eagle eye? eagle eye?). So our first priority as soon as senator Kerry conceded was to start collecting our experts' opinions of the blackout, as well as the opinions of other important figures. And here they are:
Sheila Copps, unnoted actor: If Paul Martin had had his way, George W. Bush would be prime minister of Canada as well. In 2001 I was sent a copy of a memo from Paul Martin to Chuck Guîté ordering him to make prime minister a civil service position and to appoint George W. Bush to it. Using my bulletproof bracelets and magic lasso I was able to thwart this evil plot and preserve Canadians' immense respect for their wise leader Jean Chrétien.
Farrell Childe, NIH's licensed television critic: And now we present Survivor: Iraq.
S. Cosburn Mortimer, research director, Business Alliance for Responsible Freedom: This election confirmed the assertions I made in a recent article about the crucial role which advertising can play in preserving democracy. George W. Bush bought more advertising, and he became president. These results are accurate within plus or minus zero per cent 100% of the time. Thanks to Mr. Bush's advertising we are now all aware that, all evidence seemingly to the contrary, he actually is a great leader, so it's a good thing the Americans voted for him.
Stephen Harper, leader of the Conservative party of Canada: If I oink like a pig in shit, wallow like a pig in shit, and smell like a pig in shit, then I'm probably happy as a pig in shit.
Wentworth Sutton, lay therapist: This election confirmed the ideas I expressed in a recent article questioning the common belief that we live in an Information Age. The first Bush term could be fairly characterized as the Information-Free Presidency. It informed us that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, that the American economy was in great shape, and that John Kerry had voted for higher taxes 350 times. Those claims and many other similar ones were at best misinformation. And how did the American people react to its administration's lack of interest in making sure they were accurately informed? "Feed us more rubbish!!," they cried "More! More!" If they didn't hate the French so much they could have joined in a mass chorus of "Votre beau discours/ Mon coeur n'est pas las de l'entendre."
Roland Barphe, noted semiologist, editor of Excressences and head of media studies at the Polyvalente de Saint-Tite: Georgie Porgie, puddin' and pie/ Bombed Iraqis and made them die / When the ballots had all been cast/ Georgie'd kicked John Kerry's ass.
Lord Black of Crossdresser, media and British baron: Any accusations that any part of Hollinger revenues was transferred by me to the Bush campaign will be vigorously contested and definitively refuted in a court of law. Instead I concentrated on providing guidance to president Bush through the control – I mean adviser – I had installed in his office, namely David Frum.
Jack Layton, leader of the New Democratic Party of Canada: If the Americans had been using proportional representation, John Kerry would have won 48% of the presidency.
Roland Barphe again: In French, Bush ( bouche) means "mouth" and Kerry (carie) means "cavity." How appropriate.
Natalie Flemme, media analyst: The id won. Please return to your seats, we will shortly be experiencing turbulence.
Posted November 3, 2004
What the 2004 American Presidential Election Means to Me © John FitzGerald, 2004
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