Since the return of George W. Bush to the White House, the American media have attempted to use exit poll results to determine the reasons for his victory. However, the polls have been so poorly designed that half the pundits have concluded that the chief reason was Mr. Bush's support of "moral values," while the other half have concluded that moral values weren't important at all.

Well, let no one say that we here at the International Centre for the Study of the Zeitgeist at Greater Freelton Area College of Applied Arts and Technology are unwilling to lead our American cousins out of ignorance and darkness, or at least as far out as is possible. We conducted a poll among 1,100 Republican voters to find out why they had voted for Mr. Bush. The advantage we had obver American pollsters is that we were using the GITMO (General Interrogation Technique for Mitigating Obscurity) interview methods perfected by the American government itself at Guantanamo Bay. Among other advantages of this method is that it produced a 100% response rate. Results of GITMO polls had better be accurate within zero percentage points 100% of the time or the interviewees will find themselves being tried by a secret tribunal so fast their heads'll spin – if they still have heads.

Here are the ten most frequently reported reasons Bush voters gave for voting for Mr. Bush:

10. To avoid large cash outlays on wedding presents for gay couples. (7%)

 9. Personal endorsement from Muammar Gaddafy. (9%)

 8. Thanks to the president, I made a killing in duct tape futures. (10%)

 7. The president restored American world leadership by singlehandedly creating the world's largest deficit. (15%)

 6. The president is now also king of England. (17%)

 5. John Kerry was stupid enough to get wounded three times in Vietnam; George Bush – not a scratch!. (21%)

 4. The president supports Christian ideals such as bombing the crap out of those who trespass against us. (28%)

 3. Only a few thousand Americans murdered by terrorists on president's watch. (35%)

 2. He's not French. In fact, he doesn't even know where France is! (47%)

And the number one reason Americans voted for George W. Bush:

 1. Huge tax cuts! No reduction in government services! How does he do it! He's crazy! (52%)

 
November 17, 2004