My Life,
Which Belongs to Me,
Which is Mine
exclusive to NEW IMPROVED HEAD
NEW IMPROVED HEAD is pleased to be able to offer its readers this exclusive excerpt from Bill Clinton's newly published autobiography My Life. This excerpt is so exclusive it appears nowhere else, not even in the version Mr. Clinton published! As we have said before, nothing but the finest whole cloth is suitable for YOU, our loyal readers! Now read on:Is this on? Testing one-two-three. One-two-three. Ahem. Shortly after my inauguration (the ceremony at which the President of the United States – who at that time was me – takes the oath of office, in Washington, D. C., capital of the United States of America, the country of which I was president), I began to think about the necessity of improving relations with our friend and neighbor Canada.Canada, I knew, was important to the United States because it was like our fifty-first state but still hadn't figured out that it didn't get to elect Senators and Representatives. And the age of consent there is even lower than Arkansas's! I was very pleased, then, when one day I pressed the wrong speed-dial button on the Oval Office telephone, a device used for communicating at a distance, and found myself talking to the prime minister (literally "first minister") of Canada, who introduced herself as Shirley Muldowney.
I had always been an admirer of Ms Muldowney, who inspired me in my youth with her successful struggle to win at the highest levels of the male sport of drag racing, a sport in which modified automobiles race over a quarter-mile course, and was thrilled to learn that she had risen from her humble beginnings in New York City, the largest city in the United States, to become head of an almost sovereign nation with its very own seat at the UN!
I realized that my southern accent might lead her to believe I was one of the many male chauvinists who had placed so many obstacles in her way – although the male chauvinist propensities of us Southern men are exaggerated – so consequently I hastened to compliment her ability to do something which had always impressed me when I was a youngster – maintain her beautiful bouffant coiffure while riding the red-hot tail of a funny-car engine.
Ms Muldowney seemed pleased by this overture, since she replied in her deep sultry voice that she had known Ronald Reagan, and I was no Ronald Reagan. I basked in the glow from this compliment – being any kind of Ronald Reagan was certainly no aspiration of mine. Since it was almost time for Montel, I rang off, secure in the knowledge that I had established a successful new era in Canadian-American relations.
I later had the opportunity to meet another woman prime minister of Canada, Ms Jean Christian, but unfortunately when the time for the meeting came she was unable to attend. Fortunately she had sent as a replacement a gentleman who appeared to be a prominent French Canadian comedian. His comical dialect stories kept us in stitches throughout the meeting. Hillary was also swept off her feet when I introduced her to this gentleman and with typical Gallic charm he exclaimed to me "Mais tu n'as pas epousé ta soeur, mon petit espèce de rustique d'Arkansanien de cul-terreux de bloke de tabarnacle de salaud!"
I later played an important role in the leadership campaign of the Conservative Party of Canada. Despite its name, this party is somewhat to the left of where the Democratic Party was during my two terms as President. A good friend of mine, Ms Belinda Stronach, was running for the leadership of the party. Belinda is the daughter of auto parts magnate Frank Stronach, a successful businesswoman in her own right, and hotter than a corn cob at a Baptist picnic – I mean, I have never had sex with that woman, Ms Stronach.
My advice to her was invaluable to her in her campaign. Thanks to my shrewd assessment of the Canadian political scene she was able to avoid becoming leader, which spared her the embarrassment of losing a snap election called by the prime minister before the new Conservative leader had had a chance to prepare for one.
I look forward to meeting other important Canadian political figures, such as Ms Shania Twain and Ms Avril Lavigne.
We have much to learn from our cousins, the Canadians. Their skills at the sport of ice hockey, for example, would be of great use to Americans who are frequently exposed to America's many urban environments. Their bacon and whisky are highly regarded throughout the United States. But most of all, it is their political acumen which we should emulate. During my two terms as President, polls repeatedly showed that Canadians overwhelmingly preferred me to my Republican opponents. Americans could usefully develop this Canadian ability to analyze political issues and determine the superior alternative.
Having now said more about Canada than all other Presidents of the United States combined, I will now pass on to more important matters, such as when His Holiness Pope John Paul II – worldwide leader of Roman Catholicism, the largest branch of Christianity, a global religion founded on the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, an itinerant spiritual leader of the first century who was considered by his followers to be the Messiah, or Mashiah, the expected deliverer of the Jews, members of another major religion founded on the teachings of Moses – was about to ask me for my autograph, or the time Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom nearly offered me a peerage, or the time I finished the longest and heaviest autobiography ever written by any American president, let alone a two-term one, filled with incisive analysis of the American political scene, inside information about the great political issues of the day, and a poignant account of how my impoverished boyhood in Hope, Arkansas, paradoxically enabled me to become President of the United States, for not just one but for two terms. An American president is elected for a term of four years.
My Life, Which Belongs to Me, Which is Mine © John FitzGerald, 2004
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