Ask Karla!
Dear Karla: I will be getting out of prison soon, and am eager to start my new life. Do you have any advice for me?
Penny in P4W
Dear Penny: What I can advise you is to have more confidence in yourself and stop thinking that you have to make yourself over! In a culture in which diversity is respected, every life is equally valuable and equally admirable. You don't need a new life, you need to renew your life! Stop thinking about your past mistakes, and start thinking about the great successes you're going to have in the future! Every one of us can accomplish whatever we put our minds to, especially if we have a good lawyer and a sympathetic Crown attorney.
Dear Karla: A couple of years ago I invaded a small, nearly defenceless country. My secretary of state claimed that this country had weapons of mass destruction, but unfortunately it turned out to have none whatever. My defense secretary also said that the longest the occupation would take would be about six months, but we're still there! What can I do to get myself out of this mess?
Uncle S.
Dear Uncle: Roll over on your secretaries of state and defense. Most importantly, claim that they abused you and battered you into submission to their wishes. You can probably cop a plea to accessory and get a sentence you could do standing on your head. You no doubt have those good lawyers I was talking about, and you can appoint some sympathetic district attorneys.
Dear Karla: I'd like to be the most popular boy in the country, but no matter what I do everyone still likes this other boy Paul. Is there any way I can get people to come to know the true me?
Steve in Ottawa
Dear Steve: Know the true you? Are you crazy? I took care of a boy named Paul once, and it wasn't by letting people know the true me, I can tell you. You get people to believe what they want to believe. Everybody wants to believe there's some good in everybody, even in you. Give them a reason to believe that and your popularity will increase. Above all, come up with a plausible story of how you have been acting in unpopular ways because Paul forced you to. And remember the cardinal rule of success in Ottawa – employees of the Crown are suckers.
Dear Karla: I recently took over as CEO of a major transnational corporation following the death of the previous CEO, John Paul. However, his death left me with a problem. It seems many of our lower-level managerial employees have been abusing customers, especially young customers. I've issued a statement that this wrongdoing was not the fault of the corporation, but no one seems to believe me. How can I go about dealing with this problem?
Ben
Dear Ben: You must remember the fundamental principle of success – we can accomplish whatever we really want to accomplish. Therefore, if our efforts fail it is always somebody else's fault. What you have to do is not just disavow responsibility, but pin it on some other organization as well. As long as people have someone to hate, they'll be happy, and all you have to do is ensure that that someone is not you or your organization.
Dear Karla: I am the prime minister of a country which prides itself on its treatment of minorities. However, we have one minority – aboriginal people – which we treat differently from the others. The largest single group of aboriginal people is encouraged to live in racially segregated settlements somewhat like Bantustans. We are also developing a parallel educational system so that aboriginal students will attend segregated classes – in fact, we recently boasted to our queen about a racially segregated university we have recently set up! So far we seem to be getting away with this, but I'm afraid one day the hypocrisy and discrimination will explode in our faces. What can I do to prevent this?
Paul M.
Dear Paul: Two words – publication bans. They've worked for me.
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