Iraq's Bright Future
an NIH exclusive
by George W. Bush, "president" of the United States
Published April 3, 2003
The United States and its allies are currently engaged in a great war in Iraq. As you know, the Coalition of the Willing has undertaken its mission to Iraq not for its own aggrand..., aggrandi..., aggra..., not for its own benefit, but rather to bring the benefits of freedom and democracy to the oppressed people of Iraq.
We have already started tendering projects for the reconstruction of Iraq after the war is over. These projects will give Iraqis the rights we Americans hold dear. Well, that's one right, basically – the right to bear arms. Those other rights are okay in their place, but the right to bear arms is the only one we really care about.
Anyway – weapons of mass destruction, no. Weapons of individual destruction, yes. Unrestricted ownership of firearms is essential to democracy. For proof of that statement we need only consider the frequent use of firearms on the streets of the capital of our great democracy. And of course it is Americans with guns who are bringing democracy to Iraq.
But wait – that's not all! In addition to bringing Iraqis the right we hold dear, reconstruction will also bring them many of the features of American prosperity. Our initial reconstruction projects will include the following:
Yes, the Coalition of the Willing will bring vast improvements to the lives of the Iraqi people, as well as convenient payment plans. I can personally guarantee to the Iraqi people no payments till January, 2004! We're not just the Coalition of the Willing, we're the Coalition of the Thrilling!
- American-style Health Care. The American health care system is the best in the world. Americans' life expectancy is almost as high as Canadians' or Western Europeans'! Yes, American health care costs more, but it's worth it.
- American-style Elections. No longer will the selection of Iraqi leaders be dictated by one man, Saddam Hussein. Instead, as in America, it will be dictated by my brother, Jeb Bush.
- American Sports. Now Iraqis have to suffer through boring and undemocratic sports like soccer and...and...and other sports. Soon they will be able to enjoy all the benefits of America's own sport, monster truck racing! Monster truck courses will be built across Iraq. Some details still have to be worked out to permit appearances by Goldberg.
- Hip Hop. There's a man in Bagdad Town/He brings all the Iraqis down/But when we're finished with Saddam Hussein/He won't bother them again. Word.
- Martha Stewart.Learn how to decorate your rubble with tasteful crafts, pastel-hued flowers, and wreaths made from spare shrapnel!
- American Television. No longer will Iraqis be forced to watch endless hours of Saddam Hussein orating on Iraqi television. Soon they will be able to watch endless hours of Bill O'Reilly! We also solemnly pledge to provide to each and every Iraqi citizen full and complete access to The Osbournes.
- American agriculture. Iraqi farmers have been frustrated for years by the large expanses of desert which make up so much of Iraq. But deserts pose no problem for American farming methods! Iraqi farmers can be paid not to grow crops in the desert as easily as American farmers are paid not to grow crops in the lush farmlands of the Midwest!
- Britney Spears. Britney Spears has agreed to provide a series of concerts in Iraq to welcome Iraqis into the democratic world. In deference to Muslim sensibilities, Britney will wear a veil while she rubs her breasts and moans.
- American consumer goods. Until now ordinary Iraqis have had no access to Bow-Flexes, Showtime Rotisseries, Franklin Mint collectibles, or any of the other wonderful consumer goods which the citizens of the world's greatest democracy take for granted, so they will enter a dream world of consumer excitement with the opening of the Iraqi Home Shopping Channel. Some initial problems may arise because of the shortage of Iraqi homes.
- VIAGRA!!
Approved credit only. No guarantees or warranties are stated or implied. Goods may not be exactly as advertised, especially Britney Spears.
Iraq's Bright Future © John FitzGerald, 2003
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