YOUR New Improved Health!
a NEW IMPROVED HEAD special report
This week the so-called mainstream press was full of another of the seemingly endless stream of reports of "research" on nutrition. This time it turns out that french fries and potato chips are supposed to be carcinogens. Yeah, yeah.
Isn't it amazing how physicians' recommendations of good and bad food coincide exactly with the dietary preferences of the upper middle classes from which physicians tend to be drawn? French fries are bad, potato chips are bad, but wine – hey, drink up!
We here at NEW IMPROVED HEAD think the coincidence is just a little too striking. We think the good doctors' interpretation of their results has been distorted by their own class prejudices. Therefore we have been sponsoring several unbiased research studies into the effects not only of different types of food but also of other choices we make in our daily lives. Here's what our researchers have found so far.
The following are hazardous:
Well, that's the bad news. Our research, though, has also discovered several factors which promote health:
- Bottled water: Carrying a bottle of water around to avoid dehydration proves to be unhealthy. The typical bottled-water carrier in our sample spent 7.4% longer urinating than someone who did not carry bottled water. Prolonged urination is often a sign of Prolonged Urination Syndrome (PUS). Plus carrying a little plastic bottle of water around with you ain't exactly calculated to maximize your dignity.
- Golf shirts as business wear: Research shows that the fibres in golf shirts contain dangerous materials whose deleterious effects, however, are negated by the chemicals present in grass, ball washers, sand, and golf club grips. The office environment, however, does not contain these natural safeguards. The members of our sample who wore golf shirts at the office were more likely than those who did not to show such signs of abnormality as facility in computer languages or fondness for meetings. These symptoms often persist even when the unhealthy attire is abandoned.
- Sports fanaticism: Perhaps paradoxically, the sports fans in our sample tended to have poorer health than the non-fans. This difference seemed to have two causes – long hours spent on the couch watching televised games while the non-fan sample was getting exercise, and the diversion of money which could have been spent on healthful purchases to purchases of sports "souvenirs" ("Oh, let's spend $120 on a genuine replica team shirt so we'll always remember spending five yards and change tonight to watch a bunch of grown men in funny outfits hit a ball with a stick!").
- Exercising in gyms or health clubs: Exercising in gyms or health clubs was also found to be counterproductive: it is actually harmful to health. The gym environment promotes obsessive exercising which in turn leads to injury. The boring routines (sic) also turn your mind to mush so that you become less alert and more likely to fall victim to an "accident." And you get way more athlete's foot.
- Gum chewing: A large percentage of gum chewers really can't walk and chew gum at the same time (just think how many championships Colleen Jones would have won if she'd never taken up the habit!). Gum chewers' resulting locomotor problems make it difficult for them to avoid hazards.
- Referring to vegetables as "veggies": Not only is this disgusting habit associated with negative health consequences, it is also dangerous to others. For example, it makes us gag.
So there you see how completely unbiased research paints a far different picture of the healthy way of life than the stuff churned out by the medical establishment. Now you can feel confident that you have made the right choices for your life! Here's to better health, and better living!
- Listening to Etta James and Jackie McLean: The members of our sample who listened to the recorded and live performances of these two great artists tended to use fewer stimulants, sedatives, and tranquillizers. Multiple linear regression analysis discovered that appreciable benefits to health were obtained by participants who listened to one or more hours a week each of Ms James and Mr. McLean. Ms James' live show will set you up for life. Our research also found that Freddie Hubbard's Blues for Duane CD is better for you than a slap in the head with a shovel.
- Eating at Indian restaurants: All the food is fresh at Indian restaurants. Participants who ate at Indian restaurants not only had better physical and psychological health in general, but man, were they regular.
- Coffee, coffee, coffee: Coffee makes you alert and happy. They sell a lot of Second Cup Royal Blend in hospitals. Mere coincidence? We think not.
- Scratching: Participants who scratched themselves frequently, often in public, were significantly healthier than those who never did. They also made more money, since scratching oneself frequently seems to be a prerequisite for making those big salaries in professional baseball.
June 2002
Your New Improved Health! © Coolth, 2002
