I've Got Treats for Each of You
by Jason Capodimonte,
modern living editor, NEW IMPROVED HEAD
October 26, 2005
Over the last few years Hallowe'en has suddenly become a big freaking deal. People decorate their houses and yards! To quote Count Floyd, it's scary. Those $4.49 plastic skeletons scare the living daylights out of me.
Well, the publishing industry is never more than a few years late in spotting a trend, and this year it's treating us to a spate of books from the pens of society's heavy hitters. Well, actually from their ghostwriters' pens. Or their word processors.
Anyway, if you're the type of person that falls for marketing gimmicks like that, here's a round-up of our favourite titles from this year's offerings – hey, it's a premise. If you're not thrilled with it try some of the links we've thoughtfully provided to other fascinating articles. And what? – like you haven't got time because Angelina Jolie or that Irish guy could be arriving any minute to rock your world? If he/she were, you wouldn't have read this far. So read:
So you have no excuse not to be prepared for Hallowe'en this year! Even if you live in Toronto, where the grand total of children going trick-or-treating every year is about three, we've recommended a guide for you! Now we're going to sit back and wait for the commercialization of St. Swithin's Day.
- Donald Trump, The Art of the Treat: Everyone's favourite domineering rich guy explains how to get the best treats every Hallowe'en. The secret seems to be to be rich enough to pull some very nasty tricks. And the secret of being rich enough for that, Mr. Trump reveals, is simplicity itself – have a rich daddy.
- Dr. Phil, Treating Yourself Every Day of the Year: The first of Dr. Phil's Life Laws says Either you get it or you don't, and doesn't that apply to Hallowe'en in spades! The good doctor shows you not only how you can maximize the treats you receive on Hallowe'en, but also how you can enjoy the rewards of Hallowe'en on every day of the year. Or at least how you could enjoy them if you weren't such a screw-up.
- Buzz Whiteman (ed.), The Star Trek Book of Hallowe'en: How to say trick or treat in Klingon, common errors in homemade Star Trek uniforms, interesting parallels between Hallowe'en and the Romulan Qlarn festival etc. etc. Beam me up, Sanity.
- Tom Wolfe, The Right Sweets: An account of how Hallowe'en treats in the United States are more generous than anywhere else in the world because Americans have created the most powerful economy in the world because Americans are the most creative and dynamic people in the world because they're …Americans.. Just make sure you don't go to anyone's house wearing a mask on any other evening of the year.
- Brock Wolseley, Canadian Hallowe'en Memories: You know, Canadians used to say shell out instead of the American trick or treat, which shows how way different we are from Americans, even if we use their phrase today. Plus heartwarming descriptions of tipping over outhouses (we used to call them backhouses, you know, eh?) and taking your goodies to the hospital to have them X-rayed for razor blades.
- Bill Clinton, My Hallowe'en: Hard on the heels of president Clinton's bestselling autobiography comes his memoir of Hallowe'en. Whether he's a young boy collecting treats or an adult collecting treats, Mr. Clinton always finds a way to say a whole lot about them. Or, rather, about him. With a foreword by Bill Clinton.
- David Frum, Hallowe'en Versus the Kingdom of God: Mr. Frum argues that in its emphasis on extortion of property from innocent homeowners Hallowe'en is at the bottom of the attack on the institution of private property which has led to the downfall of all the principles George W. Bush holds dear, or at least that he said he held dear when Mr. Frum was writing his speeches.
- McLean McMurdo, The Toronto Hallowe'en Book: How to prepare for and enjoy Hallowe'en in Toronto! One page, most of which is a photograph.
- Naomi Klein, The Hallowe'en Myth: How women's enslavement to the nurturing goals (giving food to children) of Hallowe'en places them at a disadvantage against men, who are devoted to the destructive aspects of the evening. As usual, men are looking for tricks, while women are the treats. You'll never look at a candy kiss the same way again.
- Paul Martin, Let Me Say This About Hallowe'en: Mr. Martin outlines plans for a Hallowe'en registry which will record every treat dispensed on Hallowe'en throughout the country. The registry will allow armed dentists to arrest irresponsible citizens who threaten the teeth of young children by doling out too much candy. A Hallowe'en costume registry will also be set up to ensure that Hallowe'en costumes throughout the country reflect "the diversity that is Canada."
I've Got Treats for Each of You © Coolth, 2005
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