Godwatching
by licensed television critic Farrell ChildeOriginally the subject of this article was to be the iniquity of forcing those of us who are not religious to pay to receive religious programming on cable television. A year and a half ago I relinquished my status as Canada's only licensed television critic without a cable subscription and signed up for basic cable. And devout atheist though I am, I found myself paying money to receive Crossroads TV and Vision TV.
Well, forcing religion down people's throats is iniquitous, but while I was reviewing religious TV programs as preparation for the article, I realized there was a bigger issue here. That issue is: How does an almighty and omniscient God manage to produce such crappy television?
The mainstay of religious television is Christian evangelism. In the non-Christian world, evangelism is better known as putting the arm on people you don't know. Evangelism is carried on on shows which feature brand-name evangelists: Benny Hinn, Kenneth Copeland, Rod Parsley, Joyce Meyer, John Hagee, Creflo A. Dollar, and on and on.
The evangelists' shows come in two formats. The first format is the medicine show, without the medicine. At a medicine show the huckster used to promise you that his medicine would cure you of whatever ailed you, then he'd take your money, then he'd give you a bottle of "medicine" which contained a lot of alcohol or some other ingredient which would at least make you feel good for a while. The evangelists promise you that their god will cure you of whatever ails you, then they take your money, then they give you…nothing!
Send your money to one of the medicine show evangelists and if you're lucky he or she will write your problem down on a piece of paper and put it in a prayer pile for the staff to pray over. It's more likely, though, that all you'll get in return for your cash is promises, none backed by warranty.
Or you'll get nothing. On a recent episode of Benny Hinn's long-running religious medicine show, he had people present testimonials (known as testimonies in the world of religious TV) to his god's healing power. First up was a gentleman who claimed that Mr. Hinn's god had cured him of cancer in response to a prayer. Oh, one other thing – he'd "had all the surgeries," too. Next up was a woman who had lost 133 pounds after praying to God to "melt away" her overweight. Oh – she did go on a diet, too.
Medicine shows also used to offer entertainment. On a lot of the evangelists' shows the only entertainment is the evangelist saying prayers and making outlandish promises in as overwrought a voice as he or she can muster. Or, if you're lucky, a sermon.
Some shows do offer music, but often we find that those who can sing, do, while those who can't go on religious TV. There are some exceptions. Jimmy Swaggart's program features musical performances of high quality, although the hymns themselves tend toward the soporific. And afterward Jimmy comes on to make a pitch for his annotated Bible, which you can get at the special pre-publication price of only $100 (American) a pop. Apparently Jimmy's god writes so poorly it costs a hundred clams a head to explain what He thinks He's saying.
The other model for Christian religious television is the morning news show. People sit around brightly discussing their god and brightly demanding your money. Of course, one drawback of a Christian news show is that the news is always the same – it's 2,005 years since Jesus was born and he still hasn't returned in glory, even though he said that the end of the world would come during the lifetime of people alive in his day.
The news-type shows tend toward opulence in their sets. One of the treats I had while preparing for this article was listening to an austral gentleman inveighing against materialism on Crossroads TV while he was sitting on a set that looked like John Jacob Astor's library. There is in fact a surprising amount of material splendour on all the evangelists' shows. Another article here mentions the glory that is Rod Parsley's wardrobe. Benny Hinn isn't buying off the rack at Moore's, either, I can assure you. Evangelists just don't appear in cheap clothes. Or in costume jewellery.
Besides being opulent, the sets of all the evangelists' shows tend to be boring. The colours are sombre, and the few props usually utilitarian. Of course, with God's well-known attitudes towards people of certain sexual tendencies, perhaps He has difficulty finding a good decorator.
No tangible product, no interesting news – it's scarcely surprising that none of these shows appears at the top of the television ratings. In fact, they have to pay to get on TV in the first place. With all the praying these guys do, you'd think they could squeeze in a few prayers for lessons in how to produce an interesting television show.
Well, these guys do make a lot of money. Rod and Benny don't pay for their suits by illegally cashing in food stamps. However, if snake oil salesmen were still allowed to operate, they'd be making more money. And the secular versions of evangelists – Dr. Phil, for example, or Anthony Robbins – do make way more money than evangelists, and they have the decency to promise you benefits that are supposed to arrive before you kick the bucket.
The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunication Commission's assignment of religious cable channels to basic cable is yet another example of government shoring up uncompetitive businesses. If people had to buy the religious channels in a separate package, your old-style religion would quickly disappear. Especially if the CRTC made a few inquiries into the truth of its advertising. "Eternal life, you say? You're promising eternal life?"
About the only eternal thing Christianity has ever been able to deliver is the eternal importuning of people for money. And according to the CRTC, we have to pay them so they can be able to do it.
Posted May 4, 2005Godwatching © John FitzGerald, 2005
