TV the Way God Meant It to be
by licensed television critic Farrell ChildeOctober 6, 2005
In a recent article about religious television I asked the question "How does an almighty and omniscient God manage to produce such crappy television?" Given the number of Christians in this country and in others you'd think one of their shows could crack the Top 1000 occasionally, wouldn't you? But none ever does.
Well, there's Good News for you, Christians! God doesn't have to be embarrassed about the television his followers think is sufficient to honour Him any more! We here at NEW IMPROVED HEAD are seeking a licence for a religious television service which will present only programs at the cutting edge of television creativity and innovation! Here's a sample of some of our programs which can hold their own against the most popular shows on the air!
So you see, religious people, there'll soon be no excuse for watching those pallid imitations of medicine shows which pass for honouring God on the other religious channels. Watch NEW IMPROVED RELIGION and show God you really love Him. Or watch the other guys and go to hell. It's a free country.
- Heavenly Poker capitalizes on the Texas Hold 'Em craze by pitting representatives of the major Christian denominations against each other in a no-holds-barred effort to establish which one God feels like helping the most. With lighthearted commentary by Michael Coren and Aloysius Cardinal Ambrozic.
- CSI: Purgatory is a taut, fast-paced drama featuring a band of highly skilled theological forensic specialists who investigate the sins of souls in purgatory to ensure that they get what's coming to them. In an interesting twist viewers will be able for a modest fee to order prayers for the week's featured soul during the show.
- The Castratos is the saga of an Italian crime family which finds salvation by turning to careers in music. Perpetuation it doesn't find, though.
- Christian Eye for the Infidel Guy pits teams of missionaries from different Christian denominations against each other in a race to bring souls to Jesus by converting adherents of other religions. Tune in each week as a different team tries to scourge the devil out of a lucky unbeliever!
- Wheel of Damnation is a lively game show in which contestants spin the big Sin Wheel and pay the consequences if the sin they spin is one that's punished according to their denomination. The early betting is on the Anglicans and Unitarians.
- Heresy Night in Canada pits hockey-playing teams of heretics against each other in a competition which leads to one heresy carrying home Lord Jesus's battered mug, the Salvation Cup. Commentator Don Cherry, former coach of the Boston Apostates, is said to favour the Pittsburgh Pelagians, but is postponing making his choice known until he learns how to pronounce it.
- And we've ordered a new series of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, in which the teenaged tool of Satan and her iniquitous aunts finally get what's coming to them. Don't forget to bring some marshmallows!
- False Idol pits conniving manipulators against each other in a competition to exploit the religious impulses of the gullible. What! – exploiting people on a religious channel! Well, there''s a twist – once the winner is declared, he or she is then attacked by the Indiana Iconoclasts from the heresy series. Unless, of course, he or she is already a prominent evangelist.
- The Fashion Bible features fashion tips from slick-dressing evangelists like Rod Parsley and Joyce Meyer. Probably of most interest to those of you with platinum cards.
- And of course we'll have major league baseball and football. In those sports there's more crossing of oneself and pointing to heaven to acknowledge God's glory than at the election of a pope. And by guys who don't wear dresses.
TV the Way God Meant It to Be © John FitzGerald, 2005
