Terror Terror Go Away
by the President of the United States of America, George W. Bush
In recent weeks doubts have been expressed about the success of the United States in reducing the risk of terrorism. Nothing could be more damaging to the morale of Americans in their struggle against terror and evil, or more unjustified. To illustrate the great strides we have made in improving Americans' security, I have asked my Director of Homeland Security, you remember him, that guy, Mr. Thing, to tear himself away from his important work of color co-ordinating security alerts to draw up the following list of the improvements in security that we have already been able to make:
- New terrorist-class visas may only be renewed twice.
- Ten CIA operatives slated to learn Arabic, raising the number of Arabic-speaking operatives to ten.
- New higher postal rate for letters carrying anthrax.
- New "Turn In a Terrorist and Win a Mariah Carey CD" promotion.
- Smoked out that disloyal tramp Oprah.
- Terrorists now required by law to travel by Greyhound.
- Elimination of express check-ins for crop dusting planes.
- I am personally taking instruction to improve my ability to distinguish Iran and Iraq.
- To improve awareness of the terrorist threat, David Letterman's jokes about smelly cab drivers in turbans to be replaced by jokes about smelly terrorists in turbans.
- New child-proof pretzels!
My fellow Americans, we have nothing to fear but being afraid itself.
Terror Terror Go Away © Coolth, 2002
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