Citizen, Spare that Muslim!
by the Rt. Hon. Jean Chrétien, prime minister of Canada
As you know, an important concern of my government since September 11 has been to ensure that Muslims do not become victims of reprisals for the attacks on the Pentagon and the World Trade Center – well, none of them outside Afghanistan, anyway. However, the recent tirade by Mark Steyn in the National Post against this policy shows that antisocial elements are still at work trying to foment reprisal, and that the arguments against reprisal must be reiterated.
Let no one believe that my government is soft on terrorism. We have been relentless in our pursuit of the groups which actually terrorize the Canadian public, and we believe that the wholesome anti-terrorist sentiments of the Western peoples should be directed against these groups instead.
First among these groups, as you know from the many public service announcements my government has run about the serious and insidious threat it poses, are the smokers. More people die from the toxic effects of secondhand smoke every year than died in the terror attacks of September 11. What's more, smokers are filthy and they smell. As you know, my government has vigorously pursued and harassed this terrorist group, and we encourage you to do the same.
Another couple of groups that could do with a few reprisals are the welfare bums and the unemployed. Just think – you pay all that money into employment insurance, and who gets the benefit of it? Some bum who can't even hang on to his job! Does that sound like someone who should be walking around worry-free?
And what about all those fat people! Stealing food out of the mouths of the starving so that they can waddle around like hippotamuses and mooch free bypass surgery off our overtaxed health care system! If some of those ambulatory tubs of lard had to flee an angry mob it'd actually be good exercise for them!
Then there's those baby boomers. They threaten the very fabric of our society with their evil plans to retire and collect Canada Pension! They could certainly use a little straight talk, if you know what I mean.
Finally, what about those aboriginal peoples! Who do they think they are, expecting us to obey Supreme Court decisions as if the Supreme Court was their court rather than ours? You run a few of them down with a Coast Guard boat or shoot one in the head or leave a couple to freeze in the countryside and all of a sudden they're whining about racial oppression or something! And they want us to pay them for the education we provided! They think they were abused in school – hey, I went to a Catholic school in Quebec!
Nah, I tell you – if you want to take reprisals against someone, be particular. Look for a fat unemployed baby boomer aboriginal smoker. For one thing, there are no aboriginal Muslims, so you will run no danger of accidentally carrying out a reprisal against a member of this officially protected group.
Best wishes for the Ramadan season, except of course for the fat, unemployed, middle aged, aboriginal, and smoking among you. To those of you who belong to those groups I say – heads up!
Citizen, Spare that Muslim! © Coolth, 2001
Click the banner or click here for Coolth
Commentary | Home