That Viceregal Speech in Full!
an NIH exclusive
September 27, 2005
Ladies, gentlemen, Jack Layton. It's an honour to be here. Of course, after growing up in Thetford Mines, being anywhere else is pretty good.
But seriously – it really is an honour. And I love all the pageantry, of course. Tell me – the Gentleman Usher of the Black Rod, is that a staff he's carrying or is he just glad to see me?
But of course I'm really honoured to be entrusted with the great duties and responsibilities of a governor general. Only yesterday the prime minister was telling me about the important role I'd be playing in helping Canada overcome the obstacles in its path, and I said "Oh, please, Paul, I've heard enough about Ralph Klein for today!"
As governor general I will commit myself to seeing that the long era of two solitudes comes to an end. Yes, no longer will Canada be divided into two groups which do not know or understand each other – Torontonians and the rest of us. It's a good time to take an initiative on this front, since Torontonians should be in a pretty good mood these days – 2004-05 was one of the Leafs' best seasons since 1967.
I mean, the separatists are so mainstream these days that they hardly count as a solitude. I've been seeing Gilles Duceppe on the television so often I thought the Mounties were after him. Of course they probably are.
From now on, Canada will be only one solitude, one big group whose members don't know or understand one another. Or is that the federal Conservative Party I'm thinking of?
Oh, yeah. Paul also wants me to say something about freedom. I hope he wants me to say something good about it, but I suppose he does as long as I don't recommend it for the Liberal caucus. I was going to ask Stephen Harper what he thinks about freedom, but he said it would take too long for him to get George Bush on the phone so he could find out. I could have asked Jack Layton but I imagine he's already on some occasion or other told us at great length exactly what he thinks about freedom and we forgot all of it even before he finished.
Now that's spellbinding oratory. Jack can put a crowd into a trance faster than a stage hypnotist. Which I suppose is the only way to get them to vote NDP.
Speaking of spellbinding oratory, I realize the beer is getting warm so I should wrap up my own oration. I am honoured to be the governor general of the great free nation of Canada, and to have received all the visible honours you have heaped on me today. And now, in the tradition of recent Canadian viceroyalty, I will spend the next five or so years being utterly irrelevant. If anyone needs beer tickets I have 'em.
That Viceregal Speech in Full © Coolth, 2005
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