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I Predict for 2007...
by Hope Candyfloss, popular futures expert and licensed macrame therapist

I predict that in 2007:

  • a family of wrens will nest in Stephen Harper's hairpiece
  • in an effort to make himself appear more relaxed to voters, Jack Layton will have the rod up his ass removed and replaced by a shorter one.
  • Stéphane Dion will resign following a sex scandal involving Sara MacLachlan and a box of Vachon ½-Moons but not Stéphane Dion.
  • The Pas, Manitoba, will be infested by killer budgies.
  • the biggest Canadian consumer craze will be solar-powered luncheon meat.
  • Fidel and Raúl Castro will hold a press conference at which Fidel will announce he is still alive while Raúl drinks a glass of water.
  • Ralph Klein will have the odd beer.
  • In accord with the North American Free trade Agreement, Canada will outlaw clocks and any recording of time whatever as an unreasonable restriction on corporate work schedules.
  • Miss America will be Amish.
  • as part of an advertising contract, Paul Anka will legally change his name to Paul Sanka.
  • as part of a public relations intiative, United States vice-president Dick Cheney will legally change his name to Big Dick Cheney.
  • the most popular female star in Hollywood will be either an emaciated white woman or Queen Latifah
  • by the end of the year, the purpose of Gilmore Girls will still be a mystery.
  • by the end of the year, the purpose of Ben Mulroney will still be a mystery.
  • Ralph Klein will have another beer.
  • you will dance naked around a lava lamp.
  • Andrew Lloyd Webber will write and produce a musical version of Barney Miller.
  • a Tim Hortons outlet in Bobcaygeon, Ontario, will run amok, killing two Starbucks and four Second Cups
  • Red Deer, Alberta, will be infested by red deer.
  • since someone ordered them, Ralph Klein will have another couple of beer, take a taxi to a soup kitchen, and piss in the soup.
  • in a referendum held in Prince Edward Island, chlamydia will be voted Favourite Sexually Transmitted Disease.
  • Tommy Douglas: The Unauthorized Biography will reveal that as premier of Saskatchewan Douglas introduced medicare to win a bet.
  • the Canadian parliament will vote to change the national anthem to "Shakin' All Over."
  • Joe Batt's Arm, Newfoundland and Labrador, will be infested by Joe Batt.
  • Sackville, Nova Scotia, will open a Museum of Sacks.
  • the National Hockey League will introduce a trophy named for Dame May Whitty.
  • the CBC will air Crokinole: A People's History.
  • Oromocto, New Brunswick will stage an international conference about the problems of people who are unable to drool.
  • Jean Charest will launch a bid to become leader of the Liberal Party of Quebec and the parti Québécois simultaneously.
  • pharmaceutical researchers will create a pill which combines Viagra with Largactil, for people who are fucking crazy.
  • Halfmoon Bay, British Columbia, will open a Museum of Loose Change.
And finally, my absolute dead certain predictions for 2007:
  • Kim Jong-Il will remain in power.
  • At the scheduled 2007 provincial election in Ontario, the people will choose as their leader a white man in a suit, and
  • George W. Bush will mispronounce nuclear.

    I Predict for 2007... © John FitzGerald, 2007

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