Mo'lympicism!
an NIH special report
As E. N. Beej has pointed out in another of this week's articles, unless you make a quality bid you cannot expect to be granted the right to stage the Olympic games. You cannot play fast and loose with the financial details and allow a prominent member of the bid team to wander around spouting off about cannibals and expect the International Olympic Committee to be impressed.
A different procedure is being followed in Freelton, Ontario, where a dedicated group is preparing its bid for the Olympics. Not for them the last-minute rush which has produced two failures in Toronto already. They're preparing well in advance so that they can go to the IOC with a quality bid.
At the moment Freelton is a hamlet about halfway between Guelph and Burlington on Highway 6. But things will be different by the time the Games take place.
"Demographic projections show that by 2128 the population of the Greater Toronto Area will reach 34.7 million," notes bid committee co-chairperson Jason Samaranch, "and by then the expansion of the Hamilton and Toronto/Mississauga population nodes will make Freelton the centre of the GTA – its pivot if you like, the point around which everything turns. What better place to stage an Olympics in 2128?" Whence the inspiration for the Freelton Olympics 2128, or FO 2128 as it's known in Freelton.
Samaranch, a distant relative ("very distant," he says with a grin) of outgoing IOC president Juan Samaranch, has already commissioned an inventory of existing sports facilities in Freelton. Perhaps surprisingly, it turns out that Freelton is already well supplied with sports facilities. "First of all," notes committee co-chairperson Kimberley Rogge, "the [Mr. Muffler] Sports Complex at the [Greater Freelton Area] College [of Applied Arts and Technology] is awesome!" Rogge, a distant relative ("way distant," she says sternly) of current IOC president Jacques Rogge, also notes that Freelton is convenient to Flamboro Raceway, Kempenfeldt Conservation Area, and Lake Ontario. "Lake Ontario is [an] awesome [site for yachting events]!" she notes. Some expansion of seating will be necessary, and some venues will have to be constructed from scratch, but, Samaranch observes, "our 127-year lead time gives us plenty of opportunity to raise every penny we'll need!"
Both Samaranch and Rogge emphasize that the bid will be entirely financed by the private sector. The initiative already has several local corporate sponsors. NEW IMPROVED HEAD of course quickly joined this initiative, as did prominent local sports sponsor Night Rider Adult Video, who have already arranged for the boxla team they sponsor, the Freelton Night Riders of the Intermediate "E" Trans-401 League, to hold several Olympic nights during the current season. Several exciting prizes have been lined up to be raffled off on Olympic Nights, including a fabulous get-away weekend in Thorold, the gateway to Niagara Falls, for the World Lap Dancing Championships Semifinals on Labour Day weekend!
However, that does not mean there is no role for the public sector. Jason notes that "Uncle Juan – I mean Mr. Samaranch – I mean, he's a really distant uncle – told us that commitment on the part of government is crucial. We're negotiating now with all levels of government to persuade them of the value of giving us that commitment."
The committee has already proposed some tokens of commitment, such as two sets of reconditioned graphite golf clubs from Uncle Sandy's 24-7 Discount Pro Shop and Gas Bar, or a pair of matching Harleys from Hairy Harry's Highway 6 Hog Heaven, which different levels of government could purchase and forward to Mr. Samaranch and Mr. Rogge. Understandably, Samaranch is eager to dispel any idea that these gifts would function as bribes. "You don't think Uncle Juan – I mean Mr. Samaranch – I mean, he's a really distant uncle – needs any more Harleys, do you?" he asks. "It's just to show respect." And, Kimberley adds "[As symbols of respect and appreciation] they'd be awesome!"
Local MPP Flavian "Monty" Sholto has already committed his support, buying 20 tickets to the first Night Rider Olympic Night. Flamboro Regional Council has struck a committee to look into supporting the bid, and expects to make a report once it has finished its tour of inspection of previous Olympic sites in Barcelona, Rome, and Paris, followed by a report-writing session in secluded Maui. Meetings are taking place between the Games organizers and staff of the Auberge Grand'mère.
Contacted at Juan Samaranch's palatial retirement residence, his spokesperson Ms Seka Sensitol confirmed that Mr. Samaranch is aware of the Freelton initiative. "What goes around comes around," she added. "I think if Canadians helped these two young people and the good people of Freelton, then they might create some really dope karma for their next bid, if you know what I mean. Excuse me, Mr. Samaranch is ringing. The oil must be warm."
We know you're interested in supporting FO 2128, so why not drop by the next fundraising event, which fittingly enough will be a session of the sport Freelton proposes as a demonstration sport for FO 2128. Yes, come on down to the Freelton Palais du Bingo on odd-numbered Thursdays in October and December, or even- numbered Tuesdays in September and November! To prepare for the Olympics, the smoking room has been expanded and two (2) more teddy-bear machines have been installed. So grab those dabbers and get ready to play for the Games!
Mo'lympicism! © Coolth, 2001
