Ernie Eves Speaks Out
a NEW IMPROVED HEAD special report
Ontario has been frequently in the news this year, and not for being a great place to visit. How is Ontario coping with the effects of the lengthy SARS crisis and last week's huge blackout? We asked Ontario premier Ernie Eves for his opinions on this issue and for other important issues which have arisen during his tenure.
As usual, our interview with the Mr. Eves has been manufactured from only the finest whole cloth (nothing is too good for YOU, dear reader). However, an impresssion of verisimilitude may be obtained by imagining Mr. Eves' monotonous and electronic-sounding voice delivering the answers we have thoughtfully provided for him.
NEW IMPROVED HEAD: Can you describe for us what you consider the highlight of your career as premier?
Ernie Eves: Honestly, Norman, nothing can equal the elation I felt when Mr. Mack, the CEO of Crédit Suisse First Boston, summoned me to his office and told me I had been appointed premier of Ontario.
NIH: Well, what do you think has been your most important achievement as premier?
EE: I can answer that easily, Nigel. I have easy answers for everything, I know, but the answer to this one is really easy. My greatest achievement as premier is to have carried on and built upon the splendid standards of grooming established by the Harris government. It's a lot of work getting a kilo or so of hair gel worked into my hair every day and sculpting it with a steel comb, but when Isabel sees the impression it makes on the people of Ontario she's glad she does it for me every morning.
NIH: Speaking of Ms Bassett, many people opposed the appointment of your intimate companion to head the Ontario Educational Communications Authority.
EE: Well, the results have proved them wrong, haven't they? Not only did we appoint her to head OECA but we transferred the Independent Learning Centre there from the Ministry of Education and Training, and look at what she's done with that!
NIH: It's my understanding that ILC has ground to a halt.
EE: Exactly! We've ended this wasteful duplication of service with the private sector and created new markets for the dynamic educational entrepreneurs who we need to take Ontario into the twenty-first century!
NIH: We're already in the twenty-first century.
EE: Then our appointment of Isabel was none too soon, was it? And let's not forget that she has maintained TVOntario's high educational broadcasting standards!
NIH: You mean all those reruns of Morse?
EE: That's exactly what I mean! There is nothing more suited to the educational needs of Ontarians than endless reruns of middlebrow British television series, especially when, as in Morse, the hero speaks with one of those lovely posh accents.
NIH: Has your unique relationship with Ms Bassett led to any friction between you?
EE: Oh, we have no problems in the friction department, at least not since I discovered The Men's Clinic.
NIH: Now, what about the failure of your plans to deregulate electricity?
EE: Failure? What failure? Ontario power producers are paid 5.6 cents a kilowatt-hour, but consumers are only paying 4.3 cents a kilowatt-hour. High, high prices for Ontario producers, but low, low prices for Ontario consumers! It's a win-win situation!
NIH: But someone has to pay the difference between those two prices.
EE: It's a penny, Roger! It's barely more than a single tiny penny! Would you refuse to pay a single, tiny penny for all the miraculous benefits electricity brings to every home in Ontario! Except some aboriginal people's, of course.
NIH: Some people complained that you didn't play a public enough role in the early hours of the massive blackout of August 14.
EE: What did you expect me to do, Peter? Put on my rubber boots and grab my insulated shears and go out and fix the problem myself?
NIH: Many people have said that you should have done what governor Pataki of New York and mayor Bloomberg of New York City did, and let people know you were making sure things got done.
EE: Well, I certainly don't want to criticize my fellow Republicans, Mr. Pataki and Mr. Bloomberg, so I'll criticize you instead. I guess I just have more confidence in the people of Ontario than you do, Jerry. I knew Ontarians could take care of themselves. I'm sure most of them did what I did and just went on barbecuing.
NIH: An issue the public seems to have lost interest in is that of federal compensation for the costs incurred by Ontario during the SARS crisis. You've already refused one federal offer. What are you doing to obtain better compensation?
EE: We have been maintaining lines of communication with a view to restructuring any potential compensation package in terms of a definition of benefit which we would find to be more appropriate to the particular contingencies and parameters most pertinent to the Ontario situation with a view to protecting the interests of all Ontarians.
NIH: You're not doing anything, are you?
EE: Hell, it's summer, Jim! Give us a break. Do you really want us to be sitting around in stifling meeting rooms all summer when we could be out in our yards in our shorts and aprons barbecuing some nice big slabs of beef for our bodacious babes? There will be planty of time to get working on that in the fall.
NIH: But in the fall aren't you going to be having all the problems due to the double cohort of high school graduates entering the universities and colleges? Many people believe that this and other problems will be so great that it will be impossible for you to win the next election, which is due by next spring.
EE: Oh, I have no doubt that we'll win the next election, Mervin. And I can tell you why I know we'll win the election, and I can tell you in two words.
NIH: And what are those two words?
EE: Dalton McGuinty.
NIH: Thank you, Mr. Eves.
Posted August 17, 2003
Ernie Eves Speaks Out ©
Coolth, 2003
Click the banner or
click here
for Coolth
Commentary | Home