The Leaders on the Issues, 2004
a NEW IMPROVED HEAD special report
The Canadian government has raised unemployment benefits, and that can mean only one thing – an election is on the way!
In order to help YOU, our NEW IMPROVED HEAD readers, maintain that political savvy for which you're so well known, we sat down with each of the major party leaders and asked them what their party would do about the public issues which Canadians consider most important.
Issue #1. How long is Tim Horton's going to get away with using that frozen dough, eh?Liberal Party of Canada (Paul Martin): A new Liberal government will act immediately to counteract this threat to Canadian tradition and well-being by establishing a comprehensive donut registry.
Conservative Party of Canada (Stephen Harper): The Conservative Party of Canada will free Tim Horton's and other Canadian employers from the burdens which drive them to expedients like frozen dough by immediately reducing corporate taxes, eliminating needless government regulation of the Canadian donut, and appointing a commission to help the Canadian donut industry, headed by Stockwell Day.
New Democratic Party of Canada (Jack Layton): We will act swiftly to nationalize Tim Horton's and replace donuts and muffins made from frozen dough with wholesome and nutritious rice cake treats.
Bloc Québécois (some French guy): Did we tell the English to be culinary barbarians?Issue #2: Ben Mulroney – is he gay?
Martin: A new Liberal government will be pleased to introduce legislation establishing Mr. Mulroney's sexuality. We believe that, despite his political leanings, he will be grateful himself for this clarification.
Harper: I didn't recognize that last name.
Layton: A New Democratic government will expand the national health care program to include free sexual identity testing and encourage Mr. Mulroney to take advantage of this valuable new service.
French guy: I didn't recognize that last name.Issue #3: What are you going to do about the increasing price of cable TV?
Martin: Ted Rogers hasn't let me know yet.
Harper: Ted Rogers hasn't let me know yet.
Layton: A New Democratic government will ban private participation in the vital cable TV industry. Your cable package will consist of English and French CBC, English and French Newsworld, CPAC, and your provincial educational and legislative channels, all at a price only slightly above what you're paying now.
French guy: As long as the French channels appear on a bigger screen than the English channels, whatever they charge is money well spent.Issue #4: What are you going to do about the increasing price of gas?
Martin: The Irvings haven't let me know yet.
Harper: We will promote competition in the gasoline industry by allowing the major oil companies to merge to increase their ability to compete in the world market and charge the type of price foreign oil companies get in Europe, where gasoline sells for as little as $2 a litre.
Layton: Does privatizing Petro-Canada seem like such a smart idea to you now? Does it? Does it?
French guy: The more difficult it becomes for Quebeckers to travel outside Quebec and for people from other provinces to travel to Quebec, the more we're laughing.Issue #5: What will you do about Don Cherry?
Martin: Introduce him to Hedy Fry.
Harper: Since Mr. Cherry has decided he's way too important to run for the party that's Canada's only hope for a productive, secure, and happy future, we're going to give him the opportunity to kiss his Order of Canada goodbye.
Layton: Introduce him to my tailor.
French guy: We're going to erect a bloody statue of him and call it A Monument to English-Canadian Culture.Issue #6: What does Canada need most to insure the welfare of all Canadians?
Martin: A Liberal government.
Harper: A Conservative government.
Layton: A New Democratic government.
French guy: Like I give a rat's ass.And there you have it – the party leaders have spoken on the issues most on Canadians' minds, or whatever it is they use to think with. But again, even if you don't have a mind you don't have to worry about making the right choice in the election, because we've let you use our NEW IMPROVED HEAD!
Posted May 14, 2004
The LEaders on the Issues, 2004 © Coolth, 2004
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