Ten Things You Can Do with a Dead NHL
by NIH sports correspondent Duff "Twilley" Wilmott
The scheduled opening day of the 2004-2005 National Hockey League season has come and gone, the league has still not opened, and it's clearly not going to open for a long time yet. Not only that, the populace doesn't seem to be worried about this failure at all. It's time for Gary Bettman, Bob Goodenow, and the people they "lead" to start considering their options, and here are a few for them to consider.
- Cut travel costs by moving all the teams to Florida.
- Create American interest by adding Bagdad to the league and only allowing it to use players from Iraq.
- The NHL owners could improve their bottom lines without cutting players' salaries by doing what the players do – signing valuable endorsement deals! George Gillett for Nike, Jeff Vanderbeek for Roots, the Teachers' Superannuation Fund for FUBU – it's all gravy!
- Cut heating costs by moving all the teams to Florida
- Create American interest by adding Paris to the league and only allowing it to use players from France who have to play in figure skates – and in figure skater outfits!
- Put collective bargaining on network TV as My Big Fat Obnoxious Negotiators – at the moment we only get to see them on the news.
- Put more Canadians within range of each team by moving all the teams to Florida.
- Weaken American interest in other sports by accusing the AL, NL, NBA, and NFL of being liberal.
- Get Congressional help by pointing out the startling revenue loss to the American health care system from the current dearth of serious game injuries.
- Get real jobs.
Posted October 13, 2004
Ten Things You Can Do with a Dead NHL © John FitzGerald, 2004
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