What We Lost
by our spirituality correspondent John Hazee
The recent decision by the government of Ontario to deprive religious tribunals of their ability to enforce their decisions as law has been greeted with approval by most Ontarians. However, the anti-religious media deprived Ontarians of any reasonable understanding of the benefits that would soon have started flowing from other new religious tribunals which were shortly to be established. If Ontarians had been aware of the many exciting possibilities that religious tribunals were on the verge of offering them, they would have been profoundly dismayed by the unwise decision of the McGuinty government. If religious tribunals ad been accorded the respect due them, Ontario law would have been based not on sordid calculations of interests and probabilities but on application of universal, wholesome, and godly Truths, as the following examples of some of these initiatives show:
Yes, Ontario, you missed the boat. And we know what happened to the last godless people who did that.
- 700 Club Contract Centre: The Reverend Pat Robertson was about to offer Canadians his own faith-based and values-based approach to contracts. We are all aware of the contract he asked God to take out on the liberal justices of the Supreme Court of the United States, and he was willing to ask God to, uh, shorten the terms of liberal justices of the Supreme Court of Canada as well. The Reverend Mr. Robertson was particularly excited about the prospect of being able to apply his born-again contractual approach to an entire Liberal party.
- Snake Handler Civil Court: Tired of the long delays involved in secular civil courts? Well, there would have been no problem if the proposed Snake Handler Civil Courts had not been hastily and thoughtlessly outlawed. If you'd had a civil issue to deal with, all you and the other interested parties would have had to do would have been to let a rattlesnake bite you or drink some cyanide. Last person standing wins! What could be simpler? But noooooooo.
- Presbyterian Civil Court: Civil disputes would also have been settled more quickly by this proposed court, since the results of all cases would have been known in advance.
- High Anglican Reconciliation Centre: Tasteful mediation and conciliation services provided in an elegant atmosphere with full Catholic privileges. A boon to all Anglicans who would really like to be Roman Catholics but don't want to go to church with all those Italians.
- Low Anglican Reconciliation Centre: Rigorous mediation and conciliation services provided in a pristine atmosphere purged of all non-Biblical influences. A boon to all Anglicans who would really like to be evangelicals but aren't quite ready to give up the booze.
- Rastafarian Small Claims Court: No matter how your case was settled in this proposed court, you would have felt happy about it.
- Zen Buddhist Traffic Court: What is speeding? Three pounds of flax!
- Creationist Court: Secular law has unwisely been allowed to evolve. Creationist Court would have followed the Law as established by God for all time in the Old Testament. At last the lepers would have got theirs.
- Jehovah's Witness Legal Services: Delivered right on your doorstep! Whether you want them or not!
- Baptist Legal Services: Eternal legal principles applied with compassion and forgiveness, except where dancing is involved.
- Unitarian Universalist Centre for Harmony and Justice: Can't we all just get along?
Posted September 14, 2005
What We Lost © John FitzGerald, 2005
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