Political Consumer Report
by NIH consumer reporter Maurice Sporran
The big news for Canadian consumers this week was the announcement that the Canadian Alliance and the Progressive Conservative party were planning to merge and produce a single product. Canadian consumers have had severe doubts about the products of both these parties, so what are the chances that this merger will result in a new improved political machine?
Well, let's look at the problems of these two company's products. At the last federal election, the Alliance machine characteristically pulled to the right and stalled immediately it crossed from Manitoba into Ontario. Meanwhile the Progressive Conservative machine was unable to figure out which way it wanted to go and then stopped completely as it tried to cross from Ontario to Manitoba.
Both companies have since made changes to their products with the intention of overcoming consumer resistance. The Alliance replaced the old Stockwell leadership module, renowned for its flashy but ineffective and often downright faulty performance, with the quieter-running Harper component, but the Liberal Party simply announced that it was upgrading its machine with the new ultra-conservative Martin engine.
PC engineers also wanted to replace their engine, but couldn't agree on which to use. In the end a compromise was reached by installing the unheralded MacKay mill regulated by an Orchard governor guaranteed to avoid collisions with other right-wing parties. However, the McKay motor proved to be too powerful – it quickly broke the Orchard and then smashed right into the Alliance.
If the merger is successful, the new company will have to build its new model from the wreckage left after this collision. Much excitement has been aroused by the possibility that the legendary Harris motor, which produced stupendous results in test runs in Ontario, will be installed in the new model.
However, the withdrawal of the Harris from production following a disastrous performance at Walkerton and growing doubt about the safety of its patented deregulator, as well as the sad performance of the Eves model which replaced it, with its distressing tendency to go into reverse at every opportunity, have greatly hurt the PC brand in Ontario, where the new company will have to make gains. The Harris model's lack of conformity with French language laws will also make it a liability in Quebec.
The greatest doubt about any new Alliance/PC hybrid will be about its handling. Regardless of what motor is installed, the new machine is likely to display a tendency to pull to both right and left, putting stress on the frame which will drastically reduce its lifespan.
The crucial question, of course, is what the new company's competitors will be offering. The NDP's new Layton offering has not even been road-tested. While its new engine has made some impressive public appearances at promotional events, the fear is that the rest of the machine consists of the same old tired components which have given it a distressing tendency to break down at the earliest opportunity.
The new Martin model from the Liberals appears already to have demonstrated its superiority on the right side of the road, and it is unlikely that the merged Alliance/PC marketing crew can outdo the Martin's solid record of right-side performance with accounts of what its new hybrid would like to do on that side.
Meanwhile the Martin machine retains the traditional Liberal ability to make left-sounding noises – remember the way the Liberals were supposed to be removing its free trade mechanism? – which effectively disarm the NDP machine.
So, after reviewing the performance and characteristics of each machine, we reach the following conclusion: we're screwed. No matter who wins the next big race, Canadians are going to be riding in a hazardous machine. And in that lurks an even greater danger – the possibility that frightened and enraged Canadians will start longing for a brand new Schwarzenegger.
Posted October 24, 2003
Political Consumer Report © Coolth, 2003
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