Pull My Chain
by modern living editor Jason Capodimonte
It's at times like these that we Torontonians realize what lucky people we are.
The time it is now is municipal election time. I've just been visiting the websites of the five major candidates for mayor of Toronto, and it seems that regardless of which of them wins, life in Toronto is going to improve dramatically!
No matter which of these contenders for the mayor's chain gets in, we're going to see:
We can't lose!
- less crime!
- less gridlock!
- more affordable housing!
- safer, cleaner streets!, and...
- low, low taxes!
Barbara Hall, for example, is going to freeze transit fares, "get a New Deal for transit funding," put 100 new buses on the road, "work at the City and with senior levels of government to increase the supply of permanent affordable housing," and make Toronto "the Safest Big City in North America, "
Not bad, eh, though I bet she's thinking about hocking that chain.
But wait – there's more! Ms Hall will provide nimble (yes – nimble) leadership, "link complex issues together," and "build coalitions between unlikely partners"! That last one sounds a little sinister, but no doubt it's OK. No respectable mayoral candidate would sell us a bill of goods.
And you'd think getting all that done would make demands on Ms Hall's time, but no!. She's still going to find time for her gardening – "I will plant one million trees and seedlings in the Greater Toronto Area." What a gal, eh?
But say Ms Hall loses. Say David Miller wins. We still get lots of neat stuff!
Mr. Miller will "stand up for your neighbourhood." He "will not be afraid to make tough decisions." He will create a "vibrant cultural sector" (but wouldn't that put a strain on our fragile hydro system?). He will make City Hall responsive to your needs. And improve transit, reduce homelessness, increase accountability bla bla bla just like all the other guys.
In what seems to be a unique departure, though, he actually explains how he thinks he can get the money for these improvements in some way other than winning the provincial and federal governments over to his side with his characteristic wit and charm. Well, there always has to be one wiseacre in every crowd.
Tom Jakobek, though, has nothing but contempt for Mr. Miller's financial plan. In fact, he says that he, Tom Jakobek, is the only candidate with a real financial plan. It's so real he apparently couldn't find time to put a description of it on his website. But he says Barbara Hall stole part of it, so you could look at her site. The real bits of her plan would actually be Mr. Jakobek's, I would think.
Like most of the other candidates, Mr. Jakobek has a vision for Toronto. If you want to see that vision, he says, take a walk through the Beaches, which he represented at City Council for many years. Trendy restaurants for all!! Maybe there'll be discounts on black clothes. Judging from Mr. Jakobek's website, though, spelling is not a high priority in his vision.
John Tory, as all of us know who've heard or seen his commercials, bills himself as a Man of Action. He's going to be transformed by his election from Mr. Tory into Mr. T. Don't get in his way, fool. He's going to build 3,000 units of affordable housing, 1,000 a year throughout his term. How?, you ask. Well, his website tell you how. He'll "cut red tape, offer incentives, fast-track approvals, and simply make it happen."
Whoa! Maybe that's not the best approach, Mr T. Torontonians have just had eight years of a provincial government which simply made things happen, and look where it got them. Come to think of it, it's the party Mr. Tory is a prominent member of. It's a party with the same name as Mr. Tory. Trust me, Man of Action, rethink the idea.
Mr. Tory is going to establish a "centralized database to track homeless people" (I'd just try looking under bridges myself). He's going to freeze user fees for city property – well, he will if the provincial government lets him.
And he's going to "hold other levels of government accountable." All right! – that's something I enjoy doing, too. I hold governments accountable for everything. Some days I do nothing but sit around holding governments accountable for everything. And now the mayor will be doing it, too!
The fifth major candidate is John Nunziata. Guess what? He's going to improve transit, improve public safety etc. etc. And if we elect him, he's also going to help us get fit! As I said, no matter who wins life is going to be a lot better in Hogtown.
Mr. Nunziata is going to "make sure that the provincial and federal governments live up to their responsibility for providing affordable housing." He's going to "work with the Ontario government to restore the funding formula for municipal transit to the previous [higher] levels." Well, we all know how well Mr. Nunziata gets along with Liberals, eh?
Yes, Toronto is a favoured land. Here we were worrying about who could possibly replace Mel Lastman, and it turns out it's eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeverybody!
And after a careful consideration of all these fine candidates' platforms I have reached the confident conclusion that...as long as we don't have another bout of SARS we should be all right.
TORONTO MAYORAL CANDIDATES' WEBSITES
(each will open in a new window)Barbara Hall
Tom Jakobek
David Miller
John Nunziata
John Toryplus:
Posted October 30, 2003
Pull My Chain © Coolth, 2003
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