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Patriotic Things to Do on Canada Day
an NIH special report

In the old days we had old-fashioned ways of celebrating what we quaintly called Dominion Day. That is to say, we got drunk.

But times change, and in today's modern now à go go Canada we have more modern and sophisticated ways of celebrating Canada Day. That is to say, we set off fireworks.

Life has been good for the fireworks manufacturers over the last thirty years or so. There used only to be one day for fireworks.

But the one problem with fireworks is that you can't set them off till dark, so here's a list of patriotic ways to spend Canada Day while waiting for the pyrotechnics.

  • Go to restaurant with family and friends, have festive Canada Day meal, tell them to put it on Mr. Radwanski's tab.

  • Encourage acceptance of diversity by telling neighbours you have it on the best authority that a gay wedding chapel will be opening up where the video store used to be.

  • Fight West Nile virus by organizing mosquito hunt. Liven it up by using .22s.

  • Organize Brian Williams Fan Club. Liven it up by using .22s.

  • Go to provincial park, shoot and kill aboriginal person, live happily ever after – oh, sorry, that's from the list of things for the Ontario Provincial Police to do.

  • Tell neighbours you're from the national barbecue registry; collect $200 fee. When permits fail to arrive, blame bloated bureaucracy in Ottawa – like true Canadians neighbours will complain endlessly but won't actually do anything.

  • Help protect your neighbours' health by putting graphic warning labels on your spouse.

  • Fight illegal teachers' strikes by burning down school.

  • Help protect Canada's natural resources by fuelling your barbecue with dried cow dung.

  • Invite neighbours over, have everyone chip in 20 bucks, play Diana Krall records, last person awake gets to take the money (estimated playing time: 13 minutes).

  • Same thing with Céline Dion records, except last person to run screaming from room wins.

  • Strip crokinole!
All the best for a happy, safe, enjoyable, fulfilling, creative, responsible, and life-enhancing Canada Day. And remember – maybe next year they'll have a real name for it.
 

Posted on June 26, 2003

Patriotic Things to Do on Canada Day © Coolth, 2003

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