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How Canadian are You?

The last few years have seen a resurgence of the Canadian Identity, largely due to the decision by many advertisers to use cheap chauvinism as a selling point. For example, we have seen Molson's using the war dead to sell beer, and Bell using them to flog cellular phones. Maple leaves abound, especially in the advertisements of foreign companies.

But what does it mean to be Canadian? NEW IMPROVED HEAD asked noted Canadian ethnologist Rex Face to devise a quick quiz which would help our readers understand what it means to be a Canadian. He came up with ten questions which will help you measure just how Canadian you are. So here are Rex's questions; instructions for scoring follow them.

 1. Your spouse comes home to find you in bed with someone else, and you're not taking measurements for a new bedspread. You:

  1. shoot either your spouse or your bedmate,
  2. try to come up with a persuasive although false excuse
  3. tearfully beg repentance
  4. demand sovereign sexual status with continuation of transfer payments for condom purchases

 2. You are driving legally through an intersection when a car running a red light smashes into your car and leaves you with incapacitating injuries. You:

  1. have the other driver shot
  2. sue the other driver
  3. negotiate damages with the other driver
  4. negotiate changes to the Highway Act acknowledging the other driver's right to opt out of observing traffic lights
 3. A friend asks you for money. You:
  1. pull a gun and shoot him/her
  2. rebuke him/her energetically
  3. give him/her some money
  4. promise him/her distinct friend status
 4. The government imposes a heavy new sales tax which most people oppose. You:
  1. riot
  2. organize and protest
  3. shop in the States for a while, then pay the tax
  4. pay the tax
 5. You are hiring for a job. The best candidates are three women – one from Ontario, one from Quebec, and one from the United States. You hire:
  1. the American woman
  2. the woman from Quebec
  3. the woman from Ontario
  4. your brother-in-law
 6. At election time in multicultural Canada only one of the candidates in your riding is a middle-aged white man with a deep voice who wears nice suits. You:
  1. compare his policies to those of the other candidates
  2. inquire into his experience
  3. find out if he knows anybody important
  4. find yourself walking in a zombie-like trance to the polling station to vote for him
 7. An acquaintance accuses you of being an uncultured, oppressive oaf. You:
  1. shoot your acquaintance
  2. strike your acquaintance
  3. consider the validity of your acquaintance's accusations
  4. agree unhesitatingly
 8. Your neighbours are having a loud party which is keeping you from getting to sleep. You:
  1. shoot them and their yahoo friends
  2. remonstrate vigorously with them
  3. grin and bear it
  4. envy them
 9. The person you are most likely to emulate is:
  1. Gen. George Patton
  2. HM Queen Elizabeth II
  3. Sir John A. Macdonald
  4. Mr. Dressup
10. Your favourite sport is:
  1. baseball
  2. fivepin bowling
  3. curling
  4. complaining about people in other provinces

That's it! Now follow the simple scoring instructions below to determine how Canadian YOU are!

Scoring. Give yourself a point for each answer you chose which was identified by the letter b, 2 points for each answer identified by the letter c, and 3 points for each answer which was identified by the letter d.

Here's what your score means:

0 points. You are either an American or a hockey player. On the whole it's better to be a hockey player, since the States has lengthy prison terms for people who do what you do for a living.

1 to 10 points. Your personality is too rigid and unbending for you to consider yourself Canadian. You need to become more flexible and to compromise more. Remember – there is no I in Canada! There is one in spine, of course.

11 to 20 points. While you have not achieved the Canadian ideal, the wishy-washiness of your score is very Canadian in its own right. You don't take nutmeg on your rice pudding because it's too spicy.

21 to 30 points. Congratulations! You're what makes the True North strong and free! – or rather what would make it strong and free if in fact it were either. You don't like Americans. You work for an American company. You vacation in Florida.

How Canadian Are You? © Actual Analysis, 1998

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