Why I Know bin Laden Did It
an NIH exclusive
by George W. Bush, president of the United States
As president of the United States, I have access to information which others do not. The government of Afghanistan has asked the United States for evidence that Osama bin Laden was responsible for the attacks on the Pentagon and the World Trade Center, and I am going to provide that evidence now for the whole world to see.
I know that Osama bin Laden, and only Osama bin Laden, was responsible for these horrendous crimes because:
- Our extensive intelligence services have conclusively established that they had no idea the attacks were coming; this element of surprise is a trademark of bin Laden's.
- The governments of Syria and Iraq have personally assured me that they played no role in the attacks.
- Opinion polls reveal that 81.3% of the American people believe the person behind the attacks was "that Arab dude;" these polls are accurate within 3.2 percentage points 95.6% of the time.
- Box cutters are widely used at bin Laden's training camps for cutting boxes.
- Our extensive intelligence services have conclusively established that they have no contacts within bin Laden's organization; it is therefore not surprising that they had no warning of the attacks.
- Reliable witnesses observed bin Laden at the time of the attacks on a grassy knoll opposite the Pentagon.
- Our extensive intelligence services have conclusively established that they have no idea what bin Laden will do next; the same conditions prevailed before bin Laden's previous attacks.
- If you play bin Laden's videotaped interviews backwards, he can be heard saying "I'm going to blow up the Pentagon" in Bulgarian.
- Our extensive intelligence services have informed me that bin Laden's political contributions were crucial in ensuring that the last presidential elections offered a choice of two mediocrities like me and Al Gore, so that the world's greatest power would enter the new millennium with a void in its leadership.
- We have lots of planes, bombs, and cruise missiles, and you don't. If we say Osama bin Laden was responsible, then Osama bin Laden was responsible, if you get my drift, and I really hope you do.
Our case has been made. We urge the government of Afghanistan to turn over bin Laden to us so that we can put him on trial, thereby ridding the world of the only person who could possibly have been behind these attacks, ending terrorism forever, and creating a world in which violence is unknown.
Why I Know bin Laden Did It © Coolth, 2001
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