What Makes Belinda Run?
a NEW IMPROVED HEAD special report
May 18, 2005
We are blessed here at NEW IMPROVED HEAD with a staff of experts in all fields – all fields that count, anyway – so as the news broke yesterday that Belinda Stronach had crossed the floor to join the Liberal cabinet and as the rest of Canada lapsed into slack-jawed bemusement, our peerless team of experts quickly assembled at our International Conference Centre for Ratiocination (the former Bamboo Room of the Belvedere Hotel) here in Freelton, Ontario to figure out for our countrymen what they should be thinking about this event. They did not disappoint us. Here's a summary of the opinions they are allowing us to hold as our own.:
Modern living editor Jason Capodimonte:
Why did Belinda cross the floor? To get to the other trough.Wentworth Sutton, assistant vice-principal, Mitchell Hepburn Collegiate Institute, Don Mills, and president emeritus, Semiologico-Hermeneutic Institute of Toronto:
Let's see – Frank Stronach, captain of industry. Paul Martin, captain of industry. Stephen Harper, guy with a hairpiece.Belinda Stronach dropped out of university so daddy could make her an executive at one of his companies, and now she's dropped out of the Conservative party so Big Daddy could make her a cabinet minister in his political party. Hmmm.
Conspiracy theorist Michele Landsberg:
I have reliable information that the media campaign against Belinda Stronach has been orchestrated at the highest levels of the Bush administration. As long as Belinda obediently played the role the Conservatives gave her of the glamorous tootsie ornamenting the opposition benches while the real decisions were made by men, the American conservatives who actually run the Conservative Party of Canada through a continental network of far right think tanks and foundations thought she was a cute little gal, but the second she defied the male authority of Stephen Harper and her abusive boyfriend the orders were given by Karl Rove to smear her mercilessly, and the so-called Canadian media did their duty. I demand that Peter MacKay take a polygraph test.S. Cosburn Mortimer of the Business Alliance for Research and Freedom:
Belinda changed organizations to take up an executive position. That's how business works. Government may not be a business, but it's owned by business.Roland Barphe, editor of Excressences, founder of l'Organisation Uni du Film Original Québécois (l'OUFOq), and director of media studies at the Polyvalente de St-Tite:
Belinda Stronach is the Paris Hilton of Canadian politics, the billionaire heiress who amuses people by trying to master jobs she has no training for. First she had a shot at being a corporate mogul, then she tried being Conservative leader, and now she's going to try being a cabinet minister. What will happen to her? Why, she will remain a billionaire heiress.You can't run over an armadillo with your pickup if you don't have any gas in the tank. That girl's got to get her act together! Thank you. Where's my cheque?NDP leader Jack Layton:
Isn't it interesting how Belinda and I both have all the grace and naturalness of marionettes?What Makes Belinda Run? © John FitzGerald, 2005
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