Inside the U. S. Elections, 2004 NEW IMPROVED HEAD is pleased to present this article on the 2004 American elections by legendary political commentator Ambrose Bierce. To help us understand the elections, he has chosen to define several of the terms commonly used in American political coverage. So take it away, Ambrose.
by our special correspondent Ambrose Bierce
- Presidency n.The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
- Senate, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanours.
- Representative, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.
- Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
- Elector, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice.
- Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
- Oratory, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding.
- Arena, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record.
- Liberty, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
- Good government, n. "What a happy land you are!" said a Republican Form of Government to a Sovereign State. "Be good enough to lie still while I walk upon you, singing the praises of universal suffrage and descanting upon the blessings of civil and religious liberty. In the meantime you can relieve your feelings by cursing the one-man power and the effete monarchies of Europe."
" My public servants have been fools and rogues from the date of' your accession to power," replied the State; "my legislative bodies, both State and municipal, are bands of thieves; my taxes are insupportable; my courts are corrupt; my cities are a disgrace to civilisation; my corporations have their hands at the throats of every private interest – all my Affairs are in disorder and criminal confusion."
"That is all very true," said the Republican Form of Government, putting on its hobnail shoes; "but consider how I thrill you every Fourth of July."
The definition of good government is one of Bierce's Fantastic Fables. The remaining definitions are from The Devil's Dictionary.Posted on October 20, 2004
Inside the U. S. Elections, 2004 © Coolth, 2004
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