Santa: Angel of Death
by televangelist John Hazee
Christians! It is time to stand together, shoulder to shoulder, to protect the world from the onslaught of the devil!! Once again we are under attack from the Evil One!!. Once again the Prince of Darkness stalks the earth! Once again Beelzebub and his minions attempt to prey on our immortal souls! And once again the pitiful deluded non-Christians of the world are unable to understand the threat! So blind are they to the peril of these times that all SATAN has had to do to escape their notice is change the position of one single letter in his name to transform it to …SANTA!!
But to us Christians, brothers and sisters, there is no doubt! Santa is Satan! Santa visits evil on the world!
Is not Satan's gift to the world death by fire? And is not a prominent feature of Christmas news every year the deaths by fire of poor unfortunates whom Santa's evil magic has beguiled into putting trees in their living rooms – trees! in the living room! – and festooning them with hot burning lights which inevitably produce hellish fires which consume the living rooms, which consume the houses, which consume the bodies and the souls of those whom he has deluded!
The wages of sin is death, brothers and sisters! And the wages of Santa is death! Santa tricks the people – heathen and faithful alike – into consuming a range of fat and sugar-laden "Christmas" specialty foods which inevitably produce death by heart attack, death by diabetes, death by stroke!
And how is it that corpulent, obese, flabby old Santa is supposed to have been around for a thousand years without developing diabetes, without having a stroke, without having a heart attack, without falling victim to any of the other demonic consequences of overweight? It's because he is the devil.
If you're still having trouble being persuaded, just look at what Santa wears! He wears red! Red – the colour of the Whore of Babylon's princes, the cardinals! Red, the colour of godless communism! Red, the colour of money-losing business! Red is the colour of evil, brothers and sisters, and yet Santa stalks the earth wearing red, and the unenlightened, the un-born-again, the unChristian, worship him as a benevolent deity!
We who are truly Christian must not falter! We must not quail in the face of the enemy! We must draw on our courage founded on our knowledge of the risen Christ! The fate of the world hangs in the balance!
Go to your telephone right now! Call us here at John Hazee Ministries and we will send you our special anti-Santa kit to help you defend yourself against the depredations of Santa and his evil minions, the imps he has taught us to call elves! All that is required is a love offering of $49.95 for you to receive guaranteed protection against Santa's demonic attacks!
We guarantee that these signs shall follow them that believe: In Jesus's name shall they cast out Christmas trees! They shall consume any deadly fruitcake and live! They shall drink any deadly egg nog and it shall not hurt them! They shall listen to "Feliz Navidad" every one of the hundred million trillion times it's played between now and Christmas Day and not be driven out of their freaking Christian minds!
Hallelujah, brothers and sisters! Seek and ye shall find! Seek protection from the devil and ye shall find the John Hazee Ministries anti-Santa kit! Make cheques payable to me, John Hazee, personally, and I will see that your love offering receives special attention!
Your results may vary. Christmas dinners lasting longer than four hours require immediate medical attention. The word guarantee and the phrase guaranteed protection imply no warranty or liability on the part of John Hazee, John Hazee Ministries, or God in any respect whatever. All sales are final.
Posted December 15, 2004
Santa: Angel of Death © John FitzGerald, 2004
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